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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Crazy Man Announces Plans To Stand In Doorway, Yell At Cars All Day

ALHAMBRA, CA—Area crazy man Dennis Fife held a press conference Tuesday to announce that on Oct. 8, he will stand in the doorway of the office building at 2600 Kenilworth Avenue and yell at cars all day.

Dennis Fife, an L.A.-area nutball, answers reporters' questions regarding his upcoming plans to scream at cars all day.

Addressing reporters, the 47-year-old Fife said, "At approximately 9:30 a.m. on the day in question, shortly after I finish lunging at dogs, I will proceed to the front steps of the Simmons Building and yell loudly for nine hours. The screaming will be broken by a 15-minute fit of rigid catatonia, most likely in the late afternoon."

Among the topics Fife plans to address during his nine-hour rant: the ace of diamonds, bookshelves, the man trying to kill him, those goddamn bananas, people from St. Louis, closed-up straws, Trapper John, MD, and papers, papers everywhere.

"I may briefly stray from my agenda to urinate into the revolving door at the building's entrance," Fife said, "but, for the most part, I will focus on the task at hand and spend the bulk of the day yelling at the various passing cars."

Though Fife said he will shout at any vehicle that goes down Kenilworth Avenue, he will focus primarily on Volkswagen Beetles, pick-up trucks and late-'80s Mitsubishi Galants. Fife also noted that he will attempt to gain the attention of bicyclists by shouting, "Hey there, Mr. Bike-man."

"A lot of what I intend to yell will be pre-planned—it will be things I've shouted at cars before," said Fife, chewing on his right forearm. "But I definitely want to leave open some room for improvisation. For instance, if a red car passes by, I might be inclined to shout at the driver, 'Where'd you get the fancy red car?' But then, if another red car drives by a bit later, I might become angry and demand that the driver stop and give me kidney beans."

Fife has already begun preparations for the event. On Monday, he worked late into the night making a bowl of Kraft macaroni and cheese, which he said he will bring with him and throw into the street, handfuls at a time. He has also set aside his lucky rubberband and a tree branch for the occasion.

While Fife has vowed to remain in the office building's doorway throughout his nine-hour yell session, some observers speculate that he will wander over to the nearest corner, where he would have access to vehicles slowing down to make the turn onto Canyon Drive.

"That corner is going to be extremely tempting for Mr. Fife," Alhambra city councilmember Lorraine Schmidt said. "Not only do the cars slow down there, giving him better access to drivers, but there is a mailbox he can spit into. I can't imagine he'll be able to stand in that doorway all day with the corner in full view without giving in to the urge to go over there."

Alhambra police chief George Jaeger predicted Fife would be successful in his venture, praising his remarkable tenacity and determination.

"When Mr. Fife sets his mind to something, he does it," Jaeger said. "Whether it's tearing pages out of a phone book, swallowing metal washers, or selling a discarded Roxette CD to an imaginary friend for $600, every project he undertakes is a bona fide success. This truly is one focused loon."

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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