adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
End Of Section
  • More News

Crazy Old-Timer Wants to Create 'Master Race'

DUBUQUE, IA—Chalk it up to eccentricity, old age or just plain senility, but area nursing home resident Adolf Hitler is planning to create a “master race” of Indo-European Caucasians and eradicate entire races of inferior people!

They don't come much spunkier than Adolf Hitler, or the "Fuhrer," as he demands nursing home staff call him. This wacky 106-year-old rants on and on about forming a "master race" of Aryan supermen.

At the ripe old age of 106, this spirited old-timer can barely sit up in his bed without an orderly’s help, but that doesn’t keep him from making big plans.

“My precious Deutchland will rise again,” Hitler wheezes in his thick German accent. “The army of the Third Reich will sweep across the land, cleansing away all the sub-human doggerel standing in its path.”

Let’s hope we all have his spunk at 106!

Hitler vows that Jews, gypsies, homosexuals, blacks and traitors will all be wiped away in the wake of his powerful army. He says his master race, or as he likes to call them, the “Aryans,” will vanquish the impure races and the filth of humanity and establish a “Third Reich,” which will rule the world for a thousand years.

A thousand years? No disrespect intended, Mr. Hitler, but you’re probably not going to live that long!

What does Hitler’s roommate think of all this? Sol Weinman, 102, watches much of what goes on in Hitler’s side of the room. Weinman produces a scratchy whisper with all the strength he can muster. “Please,” he says slowly. “Different room.”

Hitler’s enthusiasm has proven contagious, attracting both volunteer and financial support. From his nursing home room, with the help of others, he sends out letters and pamphlets. Appealing to residents in the area, Hitler hopes to garner enough support to pull off his ambitious plans.

“I am Adolf Hitler,” one of his pamphlets begins. “I am alive and well and living in America. Join me, and together we can unite the Aryan race against its enemies. Even now as I write to you, our abominable enemies are spreading their disease throughout the world. Like rats, they have burrowed deep inside our society, insidiously spreading their poison. This scourge must be wiped out.”

Quite the imagination for an old guy—it’s a wonder all Hitler’s plotting doesn’t wipe him out!

Local psychologist Lynn Weoskdif says that while many young people create their own “worlds” in popular board games like “Dungeons and Dragons,” it is not uncommon for the elderly to also enjoy fantasies of empowerment.

“When we grow old, we tend to cling to a moment of great passion in our past as a means to maintain our dwindling self-esteem,” Weoskdif says. “Perhaps Mr. Hitler was politically active as a young person and wants to recapture that feeling of excitement.”

Apparently, word of Hitler and his crazy schemes has gotten past nursing home walls. Milt Fryer, leader of a local group called “White Nation,” has taken strong notice of the plucky old coot.

“The symbolic leader of our movement is with us,” Fryer says. “It is a glorious day for all of us, and the war for America is just the beginning.”

Apparently, Hitler’s spirit is contagious! If we’re not careful, pretty soon we’ll all be talking like this!

Though it’s a minor inconvenience for the nursing home staff during feeding and medicine time, Fryer and other fans stand by his bedside all day long, anxiously awaiting his every instruction. And one has to admire old Hitler. At 107, he’s still dreaming of the future.

“We must crush the enemy,” Hitler coughs to his young supporters. “Our glorious Luftwaffe, piloted by our finest pure-blooded youth, must rain death upon the half-breeds with whom we share the continent of Europe.”

With that kind of go-go attitude, who knows? Maybe he will live to be 1,000 after all!

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close