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Credit-Card Metallurgists Unveil New 'Polonium Plus' Visa Card

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Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.

Budget-Conscious Obamas Strongly Pushing Malia Toward UDC Community College

WASHINGTON—Repeatedly emphasizing the benefits of completing her core requirements at a fraction of the cost of a four-year school, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama continued their efforts this week to persuade their 17-year-old daughter, Malia, to attend the University of the District of Columbia Community College.
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Credit-Card Metallurgists Unveil New 'Polonium Plus' Visa Card

FOSTER CITY, CA—In a follow-up to their already successful gold, platinum and titanium cards, Visa metallurgists unveiled the new Polonium Plus credit card Monday. "With its zero percent introductory interest rate, credit line of up to $500,000 and impressive 962º Celsius boiling point, Polonium Plus is the only choice for the discriminating shopper," said Visa scientist Dr. Andrew Manzanillo, one of the developers of the radioactive, no-fee card. "And with more isotopes than any other card, Polonium Plus isn't going to decay any time soon." Polonium cardholders who maintain a good credit record for three years will automatically be eligible for the inert Xenon Card, which comes in an attractive glass tube.

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