Creditors Repossess New England From Debt-Ridden U.S.

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Vol 35 Issue 17

Eleven-Year-Old Used As Human Shield In Dodgeball Game

SPARTANBURG, SC—The U.N. is condemning the actions of Spartanburg fifth-grader Joshua Fife, who on Monday violated the terms of the 1949 Geneva Convention by using classmate Doug Wiersbicki as a human shield during a gym-class dodgeball game. "The terms of civilian protection, as outlined in the Geneva Convention, were clearly violated by Fife's placement of Wiersbicki in the direct line of heavy dodgeball fire," U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said. "Whether in Kosovo or Mr. Brundage's gym class, the use of innocents as human shields must not be tolerated."

Senior-Center Residents Debate New Anchorwoman's Ethnicity For Fifth Straight Evening

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Ferndale Senior Center residents debated new Channel 27 Action News anchorwoman Sonya Luntz's ethnicity for a fifth straight day Friday, with Edward Bloch, 81, steadfastly holding to his "Mexican" theory and Muriel Simmons, 83, leaning toward Hawaiian or Indian. "If you ask me, she looks Oriental," said Jack McCallum, 79, watching Luntz on the 6 p.m. newscast. "Orientals have that shape to their face—I saw it in the war." Luntz's ethnicity will be put to an official senior-center vote this Thursday.

Nation's Legislators Resume Unfettered Whoring

WASHINGTON, DC—The Clinton-Lewinsky scandal safely behind them, members of Congress are finally clear to resume their unfettered whoring, Beltway sources reported Monday. "Thank goodness this terrible scandal is over at last," said U.S. Rep. Fred Hutchinson (R-PA), accompanied by two women identified as "Bunny" and "Chantal." "With the national spotlight finally off the sexual indiscretions of its elected officials, my fellow legislators and I are once again free to gleefully hump all manner of mistresses, secretaries and hookers with impunity." Hutchinson then had sex with the women.

Universe Ends As God Wakes Up Next To Suzanne Pleshette

CHICAGO—The 15-billion-year-old universe came to a surprise-twist end Tuesday, when God woke up next to actress Suzanne Pleshette. "What a crazy dream I just had," God said to Pleshette at the conclusion of the popular, long-running universe. "I was the Creator of all things, I had this crazy Son who was always getting arrested and wouldn't get a haircut, and My children were always hurting and killing each other in My name." Pleshette reassured God that He had imagined the whole thing and urged the beleaguered, well-intentioned deity to go back to sleep.

Pamela Sue Is Going Au Natural!

Item! Pamela Sue Anderson Lee is all over the news again! Devoted Harveyheads may recall that about six months ago, I reported that the former Baywatch Babe had help of a surgical variety in a certain chest area. Well, I have it on good authority that she recently underwent surgery again, this time to get rid of those "helpers." I, for one, have to say that she is a gorgeous gal with or without any chestal assistance, and I applaud her decision to go au natural. Kudos, Pam!

Home At Last

For the first time in several months, I woke to find my-self back in my dank, urine-smelling bed-chamber at the Zweibel Estate. How glorious a sight to be-hold! For a second, I almost believed that my horrific experiences were but a terrible night-mare, yet I was almost mad with joy to be reunited with the many possessions I had once so taken for granted. Hello, big stuffed moose head! Hello, chafing-dish! Hello, meerschaum pipe! Hello, blotting paper! Hello, armoire! Hello, cupsidor! Hello, iron-lung! Hello, enema-bulb! Hello, socks!

I Don't Even Remember Writing The Tommyknockers

So, I'm doing this book signing for The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon at the Barnes & Noble on Manhattan's Upper West Side last week, and this woman comes up to me, gushing about how The Tommyknockers is her "absolute, all-time favorite book." The name really didn't ring a bell, but I figured I must have written it, seeing as this woman is bothering to tell me how it's her all-time favorite, so I just kind of play along like I know what the heck she's talking about.
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Creditors Repossess New England From Debt-Ridden U.S.

NEW ENGLAND—"They've been giving us the runaround on this money for a long time now, so we had no choice," said Victor Migliore of the Bayonne, NJ-based collection agency. "We mailed them four warnings and called the Capitol and White House at least 10 times each, but they just ignored us. Maybe now they'll finally realize we're not fooling around about that $5,498,415,904,232.05 they owe."

Collection agent Victor Migliore surveys a stretch of Cape Cod shoreline seized from the U.S.

"Make that $5,498,417,034,983.87," added Migliore, recalculating the growing debt after a two-second pause.

At 9 a.m., fences and highway barriers were placed across the border separating New York from Vermont, Massachusetts and Connecticut by professional "repo" men in the employ of G. Schmidt Collection Agency. Under the terms of the repossession, New England's 13 million residents have been given seven days to vacate the region or face criminal-trespassing charges. No citizen will be permitted to re-enter New England "until the entire debt is repayed or a mutually satisfactory repayment schedule has been agreed upon." Tolls collected on the Massachusetts Turnpike during the exodus will go toward payment of the debt, but experts say such funds are unlikely to exceed $20 million.

"The United States is certainly not acting like a country that is serious about settling its account with us," Migliore said. "Last Wednesday, I asked them for the money, and they said they didn't have it yet. The next day, I read in the paper that they just bought a brand-new $350 million Stealth fighter. How does that make them look? Not very good, that's for sure."

"What's worse, I recently learned from an associate that the U.S. has a budget surplus, but has chosen not to put any of it toward repaying us," Migliore said. "That definitely does not make me happy."

If the national debt, which is increasing at a rate of $267 million per day, is not paid off by June 1, G. Schmidt will begin seizing more property, beginning with Florida.

"We'll just keep repossessing land until we get our money," G. Schmidt president Raymond Swartz said. "Eventually, they'll come around."

U.S. Map

Swartz said his firm is well within its rights to seize New England, but noted that it is committed to helping the U.S. get through its current financial troubles. "We could have seized even more valuable and revenue-generating property, such as New York," he said. "But we want to give the U.S. a chance to get back on its feet again."

America's creditors said they are eager to see the long-owed money collected at last.

"Back in 1992, I lent the U.S. $85 million to buy concrete for some highway they were expanding in Texas," Japanese banker Hideki Matsuda said. "They wrote me an IOU and swore up and down that they'd pay me back by 1996. Well, I still haven't seen my money."

"If the U.S. ever tries to borrow $500 million from you, never, ever say yes, no matter how much they beg or how much they swear they're good for the cash," said Bundesbank president Günter Krupp, who in 1994 approved just such a loan. "I learned that the hard way."

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