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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Creepy Fan In Bleachers Watching You More Than Game

SEATTLE—Reports from Safeco Field during the sixth inning of Friday's game against the Texas Rangers suggest the creepy fan four rows back is watching you and your friends almost exclusively instead of the game. "After the Mariners scored a run, everybody was standing and high-fiving, but that weird dude just sat there and stared at us," your friend Rich confirmed, adding that when he and the creep locked eyes, Rich tried to gesture as if to ask, "What do you want?" and the off-putting fan had "just smiled." "And just a few minutes ago when we all started laughing at Josh's story about his train ride, I swear to God that guy started laughing with us, even though there is no way he heard what we were saying." At press time, the sick fucker actually has the gall to move one row up into an empty seat approximately 3 feet closer to you but then watch a few plays as if to pretend he just wants a better view of the game.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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