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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Creepy Late-Night Mortgage Ad Gives Insight Into True State Of Economy

Millions of late-night television viewers were given a rare glimpse into the true state of the economy Monday, when a creepy ad encouraging Americans to mortgage their homes to get out of debt aired numerous times on stations across the U.S. "Homeowners," the commercial stated, "do you have credit-card bills, loan payments or other large monthly bills that you can't afford? Capital Credit, the nation's leading home-mortgage specialists since 1965, can help. Call our toll-free number today." Said Jacksonville, FL, insomniac Bob Voss, who saw the ad at 1 a.m., 1:25 a.m., 1:56 a.m. and 3:12 a.m.: "I guess maybe there's something they're not telling us about the economy."

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