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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Creepy One-Word Text Message From Mom Could Mean Anything

TACOMA, WA—Area high school student Josh Fairbanks, 16, confirmed Thursday that the vague, creepy one-word text message he just received from his mother could conceivably be interpreted in a nearly infinite variety of ways. “The last time we texted was yesterday, and the conversation definitely ended with ‘Bye,’ so she has to be referring to something new—but we just talked when she dropped me off at school,” a confused Fairbanks said of the brief message sent to his iPhone, which simply read “soon.” “I know she was going to the grocery store, so she could have started typing, gotten distracted, and accidentally hit ‘send’ before she could finish her thought. But if that were the case, it seems like the text would be a little longer or start with some other word. Or that she would have texted again and said ‘Sorry, I hit send by mistake.’” At press time, Fairbanks was mentally cataloguing every possible event in his own life, his mother’s life, or in existence altogether that may or may not be occurring in a timeframe definable as “soon.”

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