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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Creepy One-Word Text Message From Mom Could Mean Anything

TACOMA, WA—Area high school student Josh Fairbanks, 16, confirmed Thursday that the vague, creepy one-word text message he just received from his mother could conceivably be interpreted in a nearly infinite variety of ways. “The last time we texted was yesterday, and the conversation definitely ended with ‘Bye,’ so she has to be referring to something new—but we just talked when she dropped me off at school,” a confused Fairbanks said of the brief message sent to his iPhone, which simply read “soon.” “I know she was going to the grocery store, so she could have started typing, gotten distracted, and accidentally hit ‘send’ before she could finish her thought. But if that were the case, it seems like the text would be a little longer or start with some other word. Or that she would have texted again and said ‘Sorry, I hit send by mistake.’” At press time, Fairbanks was mentally cataloguing every possible event in his own life, his mother’s life, or in existence altogether that may or may not be occurring in a timeframe definable as “soon.”

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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