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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Creepy Statistician Starts Softwetfootballfacts.com

EDISON, NJ—Touting his new website as the premiere online destination for visitors looking for hard-hitting analysis on the malleability and moisture of today’s NFL players, local man and incredibly creepy statistician Todd McIntosh unveiled softwetfootballfacts.com, sources confirmed Friday. “There are a lot of websites out there offering information about the game of football, but no one so far has provided facts and figures on the softness and wetness of today’s athletes that fans so desperately crave,” a fidgety, perspiring McIntosh said while avoiding eye contact with reporters. “When you visit my site, you’ll have access to all the key dampness-pliability metrics, including defensive suppleness, liquid lost/yard, and QB squishiness ratings. It’s all very important. I like this stuff a lot.” At press time, McIntosh was reportedly moistening his lips with his tongue while compiling a list of the NFL’s soggiest defensive ends.

UPDATE:

The U.S. Department of Justice has reportedly shut down softwetfootballfacts.com just hours after its launch, taking McIntosh into custody and confiscating dozens of soaking wet photographs of Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson.

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