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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Creepy Statistician Starts Softwetfootballfacts.com

EDISON, NJ—Touting his new website as the premiere online destination for visitors looking for hard-hitting analysis on the malleability and moisture of today’s NFL players, local man and incredibly creepy statistician Todd McIntosh unveiled softwetfootballfacts.com, sources confirmed Friday. “There are a lot of websites out there offering information about the game of football, but no one so far has provided facts and figures on the softness and wetness of today’s athletes that fans so desperately crave,” a fidgety, perspiring McIntosh said while avoiding eye contact with reporters. “When you visit my site, you’ll have access to all the key dampness-pliability metrics, including defensive suppleness, liquid lost/yard, and QB squishiness ratings. It’s all very important. I like this stuff a lot.” At press time, McIntosh was reportedly moistening his lips with his tongue while compiling a list of the NFL’s soggiest defensive ends.

UPDATE:

The U.S. Department of Justice has reportedly shut down softwetfootballfacts.com just hours after its launch, taking McIntosh into custody and confiscating dozens of soaking wet photographs of Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson.

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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