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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Cricket Located

IRWIN, PA—In a feat of extraordinary patience, auditory precision, and monklike concentration, 42-year-old Pat Baer interrupted his favorite TV program in order to track down and isolate a cricket in the foyer of his home Saturday evening. "At first it sounded like it was coming from everywhere, until I realized it was near the front door," said Baer, adding that he was able to overcome the cricket's tactic of not chirping when someone gets close to it by standing perfectly still, listening "really hard," and waiting for the sound to start again. "It took a half hour of dedicated searching, but it was all worthwhile when I actually got to see the thing making the noise with its wings there." The cricket was pronounced dead at 11:37 p.m.

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