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Criminal Case Of 'USA v. Steroid-Using Liar Barry Bonds' Begins

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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Criminal Case Of 'USA v. Steroid-Using Liar Barry Bonds' Begins

SAN FRANCISCO—Barry Bonds, the San Francisco Giants outfielder who in 2007 capped his 22-year baseball career by becoming the MLB's all-time home run leader, arrived in Courtroom 10 of the Phillip Burton Federal Courthouse at 8 a.m. Monday to appear in Case No. 3:07-cr-00732-SI, USA v. Steroid-Using Liar Barry Bonds.

The prosecution has charged Bonds with four counts of perjury and one count of obstructing justice for allegedly lying to a grand jury about his use of performance-enhancing drugs. Bonds' lawyers stated in a press release yesterday they were confident they would receive a "quick and clear acquittal" for their "dishonest cheater of a client."

Jury selection took up most of the first day, with the two sides eventually settling on eight women and four men who, they mutually stated in a court document, would "do their best to consider the case of lying, steroid-using, baseball-ruining asshole Barry Bonds with fairness and impartiality."

"Your job is to determine if the defendant, the cheating liar known as Mr. Barry Bonds, did in fact commit perjury when he lied under oath in 2003," Judge Susan Illston said as she swore in the jury. "Ignore the painfully obvious fact of his steroid use unless it becomes germane to these proceedings—unless, for example, said obvious steroid use is something this liar lied about while committing his alleged steroid-related perjury."

Opening statements then followed, with the prosecution contending Bonds perjured himself by responding "no" when asked if he had ever taken anabolic steroids, testosterone, or human growth hormone.

"We intend to show you exactly how the statements about steroid use made by Mr. Bonds—whose defining characteristics, as we have established, are using steroids and lying—were in fact lies," said prosecutor Matt Parella, who carefully and methodically laid out his case for jurors. "By the end of this trial, we believe no reasonable doubt will remain concerning this lying steroid user's steroid-related lying, if indeed any such doubt exists."

Defense lawyer Allen Ruby's opening statements concerning his client did not downplay either Bonds' steroid use or his lying, as many had expected, but took a more personal approach.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client, the defendant, Mr. Barry Bonds, the man who lied and cheated his way into the record books, the man who in fact used steroids to cheat and then lied about it—I am here to tell you that you must find him innocent of lying to the court," said Ruby, who was relaxed and cordial during his opening statements. "This will take several weeks, because my client is in fact such a huge liar that it will not be easy to weed through all the lying he's done."

"The truth of the matter is this," Ruby added. "When it comes to USA v. Steroid-Using Liar Barry Bonds, the government just doesn't have any hard, admissible evidence that he took steroids and lied."

Bonds, dressed Monday in a somber black suit and gray tie, sat impassively and silently while watching the proceedings with his defense team, who told reporters their strategy was for their client not to testify so that he would not have a chance to re-perjure himself during the proceedings.

"Ultimately, however, the prosecution will most likely call him to the stand," defense attorney Christina Arguedas said. "Mr. Bonds will then either plead his Fifth Amendment rights or, as we believe is more likely, lie extensively and to the best of his ability, which may hurt our perjury case."

Arguedas added that, while it would certainly be characteristic of the man, she did not believe Bonds would have the opportunity to take steroids during the trial.

"In the coming weeks, we're going to see a lot of people who have known Bonds—not just as a baseball player or a liar and cheater, but as a terrible human being—testify about his lying, his cheating, and his character," said criminal analyst Beth Reiser, explaining that Bonds' history of cheating would play just as big a part in his perjury trial as his lying. "Former players, trainers, lovers, employees, employers, neighbors, acquaintances, people who saw him play, people who met him for a few minutes at a signing… All of these people will come forward and talk about what a liar he is. Really, this trial should be pretty simple."

"Still, you never know," Reiser added. "Look what happened in The People of the State of California v. Psycho Wife-Beheader Orenthal James Simpson."

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