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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Criminal Prosecuted To Fullest Extent Of Budget

STOCKTON, CA—Concluding proceedings of a case that will now be sent to a jury it lacked the means to properly vet, San Joaquin District Attorney James Willett told reporters Monday that he believes his office prosecuted a suspected murderer to the fullest extent of its budget. “I can assure the public we used all of the very limited resources at our disposal to build this case,” said Willett, adding that his underpaid colleagues never rested as they attempted to make up for the recent layoffs of their legal assistants. “From day one we worked around the clock combing through whatever evidence had not been rendered inadmissible by the shoddy work of our overburdened, understaffed police force. Then we determined the maximum charges we could bring and settled on something lesser to ensure we got a conviction and avoided completely squandering our department’s meager funding.” Willett confirmed that he is confident the jury will put the suspect behind bars until whenever prison overcrowding forces the state to grant an early release.

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