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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Criminal Prosecuted To Fullest Extent Of Budget

STOCKTON, CA—Concluding proceedings of a case that will now be sent to a jury it lacked the means to properly vet, San Joaquin District Attorney James Willett told reporters Monday that he believes his office prosecuted a suspected murderer to the fullest extent of its budget. “I can assure the public we used all of the very limited resources at our disposal to build this case,” said Willett, adding that his underpaid colleagues never rested as they attempted to make up for the recent layoffs of their legal assistants. “From day one we worked around the clock combing through whatever evidence had not been rendered inadmissible by the shoddy work of our overburdened, understaffed police force. Then we determined the maximum charges we could bring and settled on something lesser to ensure we got a conviction and avoided completely squandering our department’s meager funding.” Willett confirmed that he is confident the jury will put the suspect behind bars until whenever prison overcrowding forces the state to grant an early release.

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