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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Crips Streamline Membership Application Process

Paperwork, Beatings To Be Reduced 50%

Becoming a Crip became even easier yesterday, as the Los Angeles-based gang announced a series of radical procedural improvements including more efficient initiation beatings and a new voucher system for better access to the gang's stable of hoes.
Becoming a Crip became even easier yesterday, as the Los Angeles-based gang announced a series of radical procedural improvements including more efficient initiation beatings and a new voucher system for better access to the gang's stable of hoes.

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better serve potential new members, the L.A.-based Crips street gang unveiled a revamped gang application procedure yesterday, one expected to reduce both initiation beatings and paperwork by 50 percent. The new process, which was principally designed by Crips president LaShawn Harris, is scheduled to take effect immediately.

“We are confident that the changes will make becoming a Crip easier and more enjoyable,” Harris said. “We simply felt that the old procedure, which involved filling out long, detailed application forms in triplicate; getting the forms stamped by a notary public; and having senior gang members urinate in one’s mouth, was discouraging to many young people interested in being a part of our organization.”

Among the major changes: New members will no longer be required to show ID before selecting a ho from the Crips’ stable of bitches.

“In the past, anyone with less than two years’ membership had to have an active ID card with an up-to-date sticker on the back if they wanted to get freaky with one of the hoes,” Crips treasurer Trezelle Ivey said. “Now, all they have to do is give their membership number and initial a sheet.”

Ivey added that when knocking boots, gang members now have the added option of using a special new voucher, which can be re-credited to one’s account if the bitch turns cold and refuses to give it up.

Another improvement the Crips have made is greater flexibility in scheduling initiation murders.

“Until now, we pretty much told new members that they would have to go out and kill a Blood at a time that was good for us,” Crips vice-president Dwayne Henderson said. “Well, very often that made things difficult for those who had a prior commitment, such as a job or internship. Now, new members can commit their mandatory killings at a time that’s good for them, not us.”

The Crips have also revamped their branding procedure.

“No longer will new members be forcibly held down by four senior Crips as a giant ‘C’ is burned into their back,” Henderson said. “We now offer frightened new members the option of having a fifth person help restrain them.”

To offset the cost of providing the fifth helper at brandings, however, the gang will no longer offer initiates a free blunt or 40-ounce of St. Ides to numb the pain.

So far, reaction to the changes have been largely positive.

“When my older brother joined the Crips in 1991, he had to wait in line for hours,” new member Keyshon Williams, 14, said. “But when I joined recently, there was practically no wait at all. I was initiated and beaten in less than 15 minutes. And I was actually doing drive-bys the very next day.”

LAPD officials are impressed by the changes.

“With so many young people today interested in gangbanging, it’s often difficult for popular gangs to process them fast enough,” Sgt. Jeff Herron said. “But the Crips are doing a tremendous job accommodating all these kids. And their processing center is now open until 8 p.m. on Thursdays, which helps a lot for those with nine-to-five jobs.”

According to Crip spokesperson Allan “T. Boz” Watkins, by 1998 the gang hopes to have all members’ records computerized.

“At the push of a button, we’ll know exactly who’s killed whom, and who has said what about whose mother.”

Despite the application procedure changes, the gang’s resignation procedure will remain the same.

According to Harris: “Those looking to quit will still have to complete resignation forms in duplicate, fill out the Crips exit survey, undergo an exit interview to let management know personally how they felt about their experience with us, and hand in all registered sawed-offs and glocks.”

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