adBlockCheck

Crips Streamline Membership Application Process

Top Headlines

Local

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Crips Streamline Membership Application Process

Paperwork, Beatings To Be Reduced 50%

Becoming a Crip became even easier yesterday, as the Los Angeles-based gang announced a series of radical procedural improvements including more efficient initiation beatings and a new voucher system for better access to the gang's stable of hoes.
Becoming a Crip became even easier yesterday, as the Los Angeles-based gang announced a series of radical procedural improvements including more efficient initiation beatings and a new voucher system for better access to the gang's stable of hoes.

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better serve potential new members, the L.A.-based Crips street gang unveiled a revamped gang application procedure yesterday, one expected to reduce both initiation beatings and paperwork by 50 percent. The new process, which was principally designed by Crips president LaShawn Harris, is scheduled to take effect immediately.

“We are confident that the changes will make becoming a Crip easier and more enjoyable,” Harris said. “We simply felt that the old procedure, which involved filling out long, detailed application forms in triplicate; getting the forms stamped by a notary public; and having senior gang members urinate in one’s mouth, was discouraging to many young people interested in being a part of our organization.”

Among the major changes: New members will no longer be required to show ID before selecting a ho from the Crips’ stable of bitches.

“In the past, anyone with less than two years’ membership had to have an active ID card with an up-to-date sticker on the back if they wanted to get freaky with one of the hoes,” Crips treasurer Trezelle Ivey said. “Now, all they have to do is give their membership number and initial a sheet.”

Ivey added that when knocking boots, gang members now have the added option of using a special new voucher, which can be re-credited to one’s account if the bitch turns cold and refuses to give it up.

Another improvement the Crips have made is greater flexibility in scheduling initiation murders.

“Until now, we pretty much told new members that they would have to go out and kill a Blood at a time that was good for us,” Crips vice-president Dwayne Henderson said. “Well, very often that made things difficult for those who had a prior commitment, such as a job or internship. Now, new members can commit their mandatory killings at a time that’s good for them, not us.”

The Crips have also revamped their branding procedure.

“No longer will new members be forcibly held down by four senior Crips as a giant ‘C’ is burned into their back,” Henderson said. “We now offer frightened new members the option of having a fifth person help restrain them.”

To offset the cost of providing the fifth helper at brandings, however, the gang will no longer offer initiates a free blunt or 40-ounce of St. Ides to numb the pain.

So far, reaction to the changes have been largely positive.

“When my older brother joined the Crips in 1991, he had to wait in line for hours,” new member Keyshon Williams, 14, said. “But when I joined recently, there was practically no wait at all. I was initiated and beaten in less than 15 minutes. And I was actually doing drive-bys the very next day.”

LAPD officials are impressed by the changes.

“With so many young people today interested in gangbanging, it’s often difficult for popular gangs to process them fast enough,” Sgt. Jeff Herron said. “But the Crips are doing a tremendous job accommodating all these kids. And their processing center is now open until 8 p.m. on Thursdays, which helps a lot for those with nine-to-five jobs.”

According to Crip spokesperson Allan “T. Boz” Watkins, by 1998 the gang hopes to have all members’ records computerized.

“At the push of a button, we’ll know exactly who’s killed whom, and who has said what about whose mother.”

Despite the application procedure changes, the gang’s resignation procedure will remain the same.

According to Harris: “Those looking to quit will still have to complete resignation forms in duplicate, fill out the Crips exit survey, undergo an exit interview to let management know personally how they felt about their experience with us, and hand in all registered sawed-offs and glocks.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close