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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

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VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

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WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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Crips Streamline Membership Application Process

Paperwork, Beatings To Be Reduced 50%

Becoming a Crip became even easier yesterday, as the Los Angeles-based gang announced a series of radical procedural improvements including more efficient initiation beatings and a new voucher system for better access to the gang's stable of hoes.
Becoming a Crip became even easier yesterday, as the Los Angeles-based gang announced a series of radical procedural improvements including more efficient initiation beatings and a new voucher system for better access to the gang's stable of hoes.

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better serve potential new members, the L.A.-based Crips street gang unveiled a revamped gang application procedure yesterday, one expected to reduce both initiation beatings and paperwork by 50 percent. The new process, which was principally designed by Crips president LaShawn Harris, is scheduled to take effect immediately.

“We are confident that the changes will make becoming a Crip easier and more enjoyable,” Harris said. “We simply felt that the old procedure, which involved filling out long, detailed application forms in triplicate; getting the forms stamped by a notary public; and having senior gang members urinate in one’s mouth, was discouraging to many young people interested in being a part of our organization.”

Among the major changes: New members will no longer be required to show ID before selecting a ho from the Crips’ stable of bitches.

“In the past, anyone with less than two years’ membership had to have an active ID card with an up-to-date sticker on the back if they wanted to get freaky with one of the hoes,” Crips treasurer Trezelle Ivey said. “Now, all they have to do is give their membership number and initial a sheet.”

Ivey added that when knocking boots, gang members now have the added option of using a special new voucher, which can be re-credited to one’s account if the bitch turns cold and refuses to give it up.

Another improvement the Crips have made is greater flexibility in scheduling initiation murders.

“Until now, we pretty much told new members that they would have to go out and kill a Blood at a time that was good for us,” Crips vice-president Dwayne Henderson said. “Well, very often that made things difficult for those who had a prior commitment, such as a job or internship. Now, new members can commit their mandatory killings at a time that’s good for them, not us.”

The Crips have also revamped their branding procedure.

“No longer will new members be forcibly held down by four senior Crips as a giant ‘C’ is burned into their back,” Henderson said. “We now offer frightened new members the option of having a fifth person help restrain them.”

To offset the cost of providing the fifth helper at brandings, however, the gang will no longer offer initiates a free blunt or 40-ounce of St. Ides to numb the pain.

So far, reaction to the changes have been largely positive.

“When my older brother joined the Crips in 1991, he had to wait in line for hours,” new member Keyshon Williams, 14, said. “But when I joined recently, there was practically no wait at all. I was initiated and beaten in less than 15 minutes. And I was actually doing drive-bys the very next day.”

LAPD officials are impressed by the changes.

“With so many young people today interested in gangbanging, it’s often difficult for popular gangs to process them fast enough,” Sgt. Jeff Herron said. “But the Crips are doing a tremendous job accommodating all these kids. And their processing center is now open until 8 p.m. on Thursdays, which helps a lot for those with nine-to-five jobs.”

According to Crip spokesperson Allan “T. Boz” Watkins, by 1998 the gang hopes to have all members’ records computerized.

“At the push of a button, we’ll know exactly who’s killed whom, and who has said what about whose mother.”

Despite the application procedure changes, the gang’s resignation procedure will remain the same.

According to Harris: “Those looking to quit will still have to complete resignation forms in duplicate, fill out the Crips exit survey, undergo an exit interview to let management know personally how they felt about their experience with us, and hand in all registered sawed-offs and glocks.”

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