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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Cris Carter Enters Football Hall Of Fame As Paying Customer

CANTON, OH—In his fourth year of eligibility, eight-time Pro Bowler Cris Carter, who scored 130 receiving touchdowns on 1,101 receptions over the course of his career, finally entered the Hall of Fame on Thursday by paying $21 for a ticket.

Carter was inducted by ticket seller Jennifer Mahoney, 26, who did not choose to speak on the occasion aside from saying "Welcome to the Pro Football Hall of Fame," thanking Carter for his $21, and directing him to the entrance.

Carter, who played in Philadelphia, Minnesota, and Miami, spending the most productive years of his career in a Vikings uniform, chose to enter the Hall in street clothes. Carter was admitted with 643 others Thursday, including insurance salesman Rodney Whitford, 37, and bicycle mechanic Sophie Mancini, 22, who also paid the required amount for a ticket.

"Thank you," Carter told the group of employees at the front entrance upon receiving his change. “Thank you very much.”

Carter, who is fourth on the all-time receiving touchdown list, has thus far been denied admission to the Hall on five previous occasions, four times between 2008 and 2011, when selection committee voters decided not to induct him, and an additional time last month when he arrived at the Hall an hour after closing time.

The newly enshrined Carter celebrated the honor by touring the Lamar Hunt Super Bowl Gallery with other paying customers, watching a retrospective on the 1958 NFL championship in the GameDay Stadium Theater, and purchasing a replica Hall of Fame bust in the gift shop.

Carter was also surrounded by throngs of football fans, some of them wearing Adrian Peterson Vikings jerseys.

"This is unbelievable,” a visibly stunned Carter said as he stood in front of the bronze bust of Redskins great Art Monk—the wideout who was inducted during Carter’s first year of eligibility and trails Carter in career touchdowns, receiving yards, and total receptions. “Literally unbelievable. It’s actually kind of crazy that this is real and I’m not dreaming.”

“Dammit,” an emotional Carter added after catching a glimpse of Steve Largent’s Hall of Fame bust. “I didn’t want to cry, but now here I am crying like a baby.”

Many football analysts said that while they agreed Carter should be in the Hall of Fame just like anyone else who can afford a ticket, they disagreed with the admission process.

"For a player of Carter's stature to have had to wait this long is outrageous,” Sports Illustrated football columnist Peter King said. "Surely there should be some sort of special express line for former players. And there is just something wrong when a legend like Carter isn’t at least given a 15 percent discount on tickets.”

“But after all that, at long last, he actually got in,” King added.

Carter agreed, saying that while the past four years have been a bit of an ordeal, he’s just happy to have been let into the Hall.

"It's wonderful to finally be here in Canton, alongside other greats such as Jerome Bettis, whom I just saw in the gift shop, and Andre Reed, whom I saw at the Canton Applebee's last night," Carter said in a brief statement during which he also thanked his family for waiting patiently for him at a nearby outlet mall. "I just want to say real fast, for the record, that I have 65 more touchdown catches than Michael Irvin.”

“And 68 more than Shannon Sharpe,” he continued. “Okay, thank you. Get me the hell out of here.”

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