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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Criss Angel's Nephew Forced To Sit Through Another Lame Mindfreak

EAST MEADOW, NY—Sixteen-year-old Jake Howell groaned and rolled his eyes Monday evening as he was subjected to another embarrassing performance by his uncle, famed illusionist Criss Angel. "When I was younger, it was cool when he'd crank up some thrash metal, cut open his forearm, and remove a penny he'd just swallowed inscribed with my initials, but now I'm just like, come on, leave me alone and eat your dinner like a normal person," said Howell, who has requested he not be seated next to Angel during Thanksgiving this year. "I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending like he's freaking my mind." Debbie Howell, Criss' sister, added that while she too finds her brother's antics tiresome, she's just grateful he finally has a job with health insurance.

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