adBlockCheck

Critically Wounded Clinton Crawls To Nearest Farmhouse For Help

Top Headlines

Politics

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Critically Wounded Clinton Crawls To Nearest Farmhouse For Help

BECKLEY, WV—President Clinton is recovering today following a harrowing weekend ordeal in which he was critically injured while lost in the West Virginia woods, narrowly escaping death by crawling over 20 miles to a farmhouse for help.

The farmhouse where a near-death Clinton found refuge.

"I am all right," said a battered and bruised Clinton, speaking from an upstairs bed in the farmhouse, where he is being tended to by the house's elderly matron, Mrs. Boggs. "I am just glad to be alive."

The ordeal began Friday, when Clinton, Labor Secretary Alexis Herman and several other top Labor Department officials were meeting with out-of-work coalminers in an economically depressed region of central West Virginia.

President Bill Clinton

"We were all walking down a wooded path toward a coalminer's home when, somehow, I got separated from the group," Clinton said. "I don't know how it happened, but I suddenly found myself alone in a strange wooded area. I called out to Secretary Herman and the others, but it was to no avail."

For the next several hours, Clinton attempted to backtrack to the main road, but his surroundings became increasingly unfamiliar. "The more I tried to find my way back, the more lost I got," the president said. "The trees, the birds, the sounds of the forest–everything I saw and heard seemed foreign to me. I was becoming extremely concerned about the situation."

As the hours continued to pass, an exhausted Clinton faced the additional problem of hunger and thirst. Uncertain which of the forest's berries were safe to eat, he subsisted on tree bark and grass, wringing out moisture from damp moss for water. The president also fashioned a crude syrup tap, which he used to draw sap from the trees.

At approximately 6 p.m., Clinton sustained his most serious injuries when he was attacked by an unidentified animal.

"I heard a sound coming from a far-off clearing. Hoping it was a hunter or camper, I headed toward it," Clinton said. "As I got closer, I heard some rustling sounds, and I shouted hello. But when I did, a creature came charging at me. I am not sure what it was: It looked like a bear, but it was gray and not quite big enough to be a bear. I ran for approximately 50 yards, but it caught me when I tripped over a log. I tried to get up and continue to run, but my ankle was pinned."

The bear-like animal then set upon the president, ferociously biting his neck and tearing at his suit with his sharp claws. Clinton said he was moments from being mauled to death when a crack of thunder in the distance startled the creature, sending it scurrying off.

"I was extremely fortunate," Clinton said. "If not for that thunder, it is entirely possible I would not be alive today."

Clinton sustained four broken ribs and a punctured right lung in the attack. His left ankle was also broken, rendering him unable to walk. Bleeding internally and badly disoriented, he proceeded to crawl for nearly 22 hours through the thick forest underbrush.

At 9 p.m. Saturday, Clinton finally reached the farmhouse, where he was taken in by its owner.

"Mrs. Boggs dressed my wounds and gave me a blanket," said Clinton, his face still badly scratched from his crawl through the forest. "She also fed me a hot bowl of oatmeal and drew me a bath. I can never repay her for her kindness."

Clinton is expected to return to Washington Thursday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close