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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Critics Accuse New Movie Of Glorifying Sex

HOLLYWOOD, CA–The Five Senses, a new film from Fine Line Features starring Mary-Louise Parker and Philippe Volter, is drawing fire from conservative Christian groups who charge that it glorifies sex. "Billing itself as 'a touching exploration of human perceptions and dynamics,' The Five Senses is filled with images of adults engaged in intimate acts of sexual union," said Focus On The Family executive director Michael White. "By depicting it so frequently and so casually, this film only serves to condone the act of lovemaking." White added that sexual imagery in Hollywood films is largely to blame for "the proliferation of sexuality in society."

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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