Critics Hail Porn Director's Debut As 'Shamelessly Masturbatory Male-Empowerment Fantasy'

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Vol 36 Issue 46

Man Reading Pynchon On Bus Takes Pains To Make Cover Visible

PHILADELPHIA–According to riders on the eastbound C bus, John Bolen, 23, made a conscious effort Monday to make the cover of Thomas Pynchon's The Crying Of Lot 49 visible to all on board. "Instead of resting the book on his lap or on the seat in front of him, he was holding it up in this really awkward, uncomfortable-looking way," rider Caryn Little said. "Then, every so often, he'd glance around to see if anyone was noticing what he was reading." Bolen vehemently denied the Pynchon-flaunting charges, insisting that "the light was bad" on the bus.

Letter From Employer Thankfully Omits Balls-Copying Incident

SAN FRANCISCO–Randall Konerko, a 39-year-old database administrator looking for a new job in the field, was relieved to learn Monday that a letter of recommendation from his former employer makes no reference to the Dec. 11 balls-copying incident that led to his dismissal. "Whew, that's a relief," said Konerko after an interview with Luminant Worldwide. "I was sure Mr. Alland would mention that whole thing, but, mercifully, he didn't." Konerko has made a promise to himself never to engage in testicular Xeroxing, even if it's 2 a.m. and the office seems empty.

Bush Calls For End To 'Era Of Political Argument'

AUSTIN, TX–In a televised speech to the nation Monday, president-elect George W. Bush called for "an end to the era of political argument." "My fellow Americans," Bush said, "after a difficult period of partisan debate, the time has come for unanimity. We have seen how destructive it is when political rivals disagree, and we as a nation can no longer afford such ideological division." Bush said he is committed to making his presidency "The Age Of Assent."

The $252,000,000 Man

Last week, free-agent shortstop Alex Rodriguez signed the richest contract in sports history, a 10-year, $252 million deal with the Texas Rangers. What do you think?

Madonna's Wedding

Later this month, Madonna and director Guy Ritchie will marry at a Scottish castle. Among the known details:

The Final Frontier

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Standish and I are currently hurtling away from the Earth in a giant metal rocket-ship. It turns out that the obelisk in which we were hiding as the murderous Society Of 800 Avenging Fists attacked my poor son N. Aeschylus was not an immobile object at all, but a powerful mortar-shell timed to automatically propel it-self from the Earth's grip.
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Critics Hail Porn Director's Debut As 'Shamelessly Masturbatory Male-Empowerment Fantasy'

LOS ANGELES–Across the nation, critics are unanimous in their praise of Brenda In The Ass 2: Butt Reams May Come, hailing the debut of porn director Ricky D'Alessandro as "the most exploitative, shamelessly masturbatory male-empowerment fantasy ever committed to video."

Acclaimed newcomer Ricky D'Alessandro.

"I've never seen such utterly depraved filmmaking," raved Kenneth Turan, film critic for the Los Angeles Times. "D'Alessandro portrays women as little more than sexual receptacles. What little dialogue and plot he provides are flimsy excuses to undress starlets Brandi Reardon, Rebekka Rivers, and Jizzelle."

Turan's colleagues were quick to heap further laurels on the film. "Brenda 2 is a pandering, lowest-common-denominator wank-fest," CNN reviewer Paul Clinton said. "Perverted beyond belief."

"D'Alessandro plumbs the depths of sexual abomination, then goes one nauseating fathom deeper," said Peter Howell of The Toronto Star. "I never imagined a film could be this sick."

"Brenda 2 is disgusting and demoralizing," said Entertainment Weekly's Lisa Schwarzbaum, who said she "would not be a bit surprised" if D'Alessandro were nominated for Best New Director at this year's Adult Video News Awards. "This is nothing but gratuitous, non-stop flesh with zero redeeming artistic value."

According to Entertainment Productions, D'Alessandro's Burbank-based production company, the film took less than a week to shoot in D'Alessandro's living room, jacuzzi-equipped bathroom, and van.

"No dark impulse is left unexplored," New Yorker critic Anthony Lane breathlessly gushed. "If sickening close-ups of Rebekka Rivers' super-stretched anus is your idea of entertainment, by all means rush to your video store. Not even the repetitious, saxophone-laden soundtrack, sloppy editing, and total lack of filmcraft can detract from the aura of sleazy, shamefully adolescent puerility in which D'Alessandro soaks the entire 'film.'"

D'Alessandro, already at work on his next feature, said he is "stunned" by the positive response to Brenda 2.

"Who would've thought a regular guy like me could make 'the most obscene, corrupt pornographic filth ever committed to high-definition video'?" said D'Alessandro, speaking from the Van Nuys Motor Lodge, where he is scouting locations for his next film. "Look out, San Fernando Valley–I'm the porn king of the world!"

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