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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Critics Hail Porn Director's Debut As 'Shamelessly Masturbatory Male-Empowerment Fantasy'

LOS ANGELES–Across the nation, critics are unanimous in their praise of Brenda In The Ass 2: Butt Reams May Come, hailing the debut of porn director Ricky D'Alessandro as "the most exploitative, shamelessly masturbatory male-empowerment fantasy ever committed to video."

Acclaimed newcomer Ricky D'Alessandro.

"I've never seen such utterly depraved filmmaking," raved Kenneth Turan, film critic for the Los Angeles Times. "D'Alessandro portrays women as little more than sexual receptacles. What little dialogue and plot he provides are flimsy excuses to undress starlets Brandi Reardon, Rebekka Rivers, and Jizzelle."

Turan's colleagues were quick to heap further laurels on the film. "Brenda 2 is a pandering, lowest-common-denominator wank-fest," CNN reviewer Paul Clinton said. "Perverted beyond belief."

"D'Alessandro plumbs the depths of sexual abomination, then goes one nauseating fathom deeper," said Peter Howell of The Toronto Star. "I never imagined a film could be this sick."

"Brenda 2 is disgusting and demoralizing," said Entertainment Weekly's Lisa Schwarzbaum, who said she "would not be a bit surprised" if D'Alessandro were nominated for Best New Director at this year's Adult Video News Awards. "This is nothing but gratuitous, non-stop flesh with zero redeeming artistic value."

According to Entertainment Productions, D'Alessandro's Burbank-based production company, the film took less than a week to shoot in D'Alessandro's living room, jacuzzi-equipped bathroom, and van.

"No dark impulse is left unexplored," New Yorker critic Anthony Lane breathlessly gushed. "If sickening close-ups of Rebekka Rivers' super-stretched anus is your idea of entertainment, by all means rush to your video store. Not even the repetitious, saxophone-laden soundtrack, sloppy editing, and total lack of filmcraft can detract from the aura of sleazy, shamefully adolescent puerility in which D'Alessandro soaks the entire 'film.'"

D'Alessandro, already at work on his next feature, said he is "stunned" by the positive response to Brenda 2.

"Who would've thought a regular guy like me could make 'the most obscene, corrupt pornographic filth ever committed to high-definition video'?" said D'Alessandro, speaking from the Van Nuys Motor Lodge, where he is scouting locations for his next film. "Look out, San Fernando Valley–I'm the porn king of the world!"

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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