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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Cross-Country Champ Wishes He Were Good At Sports

WOODSIDE, CA—Cross-country runner Ryan Hall, who won the USA Track & Field open men's 12-km championship race last week, later said that his life would be so much different if only he were good at sports. "Man, what I wouldn't give to have the God-given ability to throw a baseball, run with the football, sink a 10-foot putt, or even catch a big ol' bass," said Hall, attempting to catch his breath after running seven and a half miles in just under 35 minutes. "Things would be easier, that's for sure—I'd have a fun and glamorous job, make tons of money, and I wouldn't have to stay in such goddamn good shape." Hall said that, for now, he will stick with his current career in the hopes that he may get noticed and signed by a U.S. men's soccer team.

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