How is the secretive totalitarian government of the Hermit Kingdom operated? The Onion explains North Korea.
WOODSIDE, CA—Cross-country runner Ryan Hall, who won the USA Track & Field open men's 12-km championship race last week, later said that his life would be so much different if only he were good at sports. "Man, what I wouldn't give to have the God-given ability to throw a baseball, run with the football, sink a 10-foot putt, or even catch a big ol' bass," said Hall, attempting to catch his breath after running seven and a half miles in just under 35 minutes. "Things would be easier, that's for sure—I'd have a fun and glamorous job, make tons of money, and I wouldn't have to stay in such goddamn good shape." Hall said that, for now, he will stick with his current career in the hopes that he may get noticed and signed by a U.S. men's soccer team.