adBlockCheck

Cross-Country Champ Wishes He Were Good At Sports

Top Headlines

Sports

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Cross-Country Champ Wishes He Were Good At Sports

WOODSIDE, CA—Cross-country runner Ryan Hall, who won the USA Track & Field open men's 12-km championship race last week, later said that his life would be so much different if only he were good at sports. "Man, what I wouldn't give to have the God-given ability to throw a baseball, run with the football, sink a 10-foot putt, or even catch a big ol' bass," said Hall, attempting to catch his breath after running seven and a half miles in just under 35 minutes. "Things would be easier, that's for sure—I'd have a fun and glamorous job, make tons of money, and I wouldn't have to stay in such goddamn good shape." Hall said that, for now, he will stick with his current career in the hopes that he may get noticed and signed by a U.S. men's soccer team.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close