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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Crowd Can’t Believe Balls On Frontman Who Waited Till Third Song To Ask Them How They’re Doing

BURLINGTON, VT—Astounded by his brazen lack of concern for their well-being, the crowd at The Showbox rock club reportedly couldn’t believe the balls on the frontman of indie-rock group Corinthian Leather, who sources said waited until the third song of his Tuesday night set to ask them how they were doing. “Are you kidding me? Who the fuck does this guy think he is?” said concertgoer Amelia Nelson, 27, one of many audience members stunned by the fact that two entire songs had elapsed before the lead singer demonstrated the slightest interest in how they were feeling. “Oh, now you want to ask me if I’m ready to rock? Well, guess what? It’s too late for that. Maybe just cut the banter, finish up your set, and get the fuck out of here, because you’ve already proved we don’t matter to you.” Audience members were later heard audibly scoffing when the frontman urged them to clap along as if he hadn’t just insinuated that they could all drop dead for all he cares.

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