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Crowd Cheers As 93-Year-Old Fuckup Finally Graduates From College

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Crowd Cheers As 93-Year-Old Fuckup Finally Graduates From College

CALIFORNIA, PA—Students, faculty, and attendees at California University of Pennsylvania’s commencement ceremony stood and cheered Sunday as 93-year-old Esther Goodwyn, a fuckup who took seven decades to graduate from college, for Christ’s sake, finally received her diploma. “Esther Marie Goodwyn!” school president Geraldine Jones announced to raucous applause as the lazy woman, who did in 75 years what most people only need four to do, was helped up the steps and guided to the podium. “Congratulations, Esther.” Following the ceremony, Goodwyn gave World War II, raising her children, and caring for her ailing husband as frankly pitiful excuses for why she was unable to receive her diploma on time like a normal person, and reportedly neglected to mention that she is also a grade-A idiot who needed a lifetime to graduate from a school that sure as shit isn’t Harvard.

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