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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Crowd Cheers As 93-Year-Old Fuckup Finally Graduates From College

CALIFORNIA, PA—Students, faculty, and attendees at California University of Pennsylvania’s commencement ceremony stood and cheered Sunday as 93-year-old Esther Goodwyn, a fuckup who took seven decades to graduate from college, for Christ’s sake, finally received her diploma. “Esther Marie Goodwyn!” school president Geraldine Jones announced to raucous applause as the lazy woman, who did in 75 years what most people only need four to do, was helped up the steps and guided to the podium. “Congratulations, Esther.” Following the ceremony, Goodwyn gave World War II, raising her children, and caring for her ailing husband as frankly pitiful excuses for why she was unable to receive her diploma on time like a normal person, and reportedly neglected to mention that she is also a grade-A idiot who needed a lifetime to graduate from a school that sure as shit isn’t Harvard.

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