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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Crullers Explained

ST. PAUL, MN—After mentioning the deep-fat-fried pastry in conversation and drawing a blank stare, local man Greg Weinberg proceeded to explain crullers to his friend Jeffrey Tomlinson, sources confirmed Monday. “It’s sort of like a donut, but braided,” said Weinberg, who went on to describe the dessert as “basically a bunch of dough all twisted together.” “They’re good. You should try one.” At press time, Tomlinson had reportedly tried a cruller.

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