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Crushed Philadephlia Sports Fans Devastated By Philadelphia Soul's Arena Football League Title

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Crushed Philadephlia Sports Fans Devastated By Philadelphia Soul's Arena Football League Title

PHILADELPHIA—Hockey, baseball, basketball, and football fans alike are mourning the Philadelphia Soul's victory in ArenaBowl XXII, a 59-56 win over the San José SaberCats which continues the city's seemingly endless championship title drought. "It's been over 20 years since a sports team from this city won a national championship," said mayor Michael Nutter. "This arena league championship title just rubs salt in that wound." Locals are saying the damage to Philadelphia's morale and civic pride is equal to that done by Boyz II Men, the crack cocaine epidemic, and the acquisition of the Philadelphia Soul by New Jersey pop star Jon Bon Jovi.

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