WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.
GLENDALE, AZ—Patriots head coach Bill Belichick responded to reporters' questions regarding Tom Brady's injury status by repeatedly denying any association with a Patriots quarterback, or any other person, by that name. "I repeat: I have no knowledge of or acquaintance with anybody named Tom Brady, and I resent any implication that I might have any knowledge of this Brady individual's personal life," an alternately smirking and confrontational Belichick told reporters during his unusually contentious Media Week press conference. "Why? Does this guy say he knows me? Is that it? Because if this Bradley [sic] fellow is blaming me for getting hurt, that's all I need." Belichick then went on to insist that he was not an NFL football coach but a real-estate salesman from Tempe, and attempted to sell golf-course time-share condos to all in attendance.