MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Cryptic Bill Belichick Insists He's Never Heard Of A Man Named Tom Brady

GLENDALE, AZ—Patriots head coach Bill Belichick responded to reporters' questions regarding Tom Brady's injury status by repeatedly denying any association with a Patriots quarterback, or any other person, by that name. "I repeat: I have no knowledge of or acquaintance with anybody named Tom Brady, and I resent any implication that I might have any knowledge of this Brady individual's personal life," an alternately smirking and confrontational Belichick told reporters during his unusually contentious Media Week press conference. "Why? Does this guy say he knows me? Is that it? Because if this Bradley [sic] fellow is blaming me for getting hurt, that's all I need." Belichick then went on to insist that he was not an NFL football coach but a real-estate salesman from Tempe, and attempted to sell golf-course time-share condos to all in attendance.

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