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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Cryptozoologist Falls For It Again

LUBBOCK, TX—Will Reiser, an expert in the field of unsubstantiated creatures, was duped again Tuesday, when he said he'd finally found proof of the existence of the elusive Chupacabra, a quill-covered creature that feasts on the blood of livestock. "The right shank of the goat carcass I discovered on my doorstep bore the Chupacabra's distinctive cross-hatched fang pattern," Reiser said. "I have to say I'm surprised that the quills poking out of the body so closely resemble those of the hedgehog indigenous to this area." Reiser's next-door neighbor, Dan Swelter, is currently laughing his ass off.

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