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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Crystal Meth Hallucinations League Power Rankings - Week 2

1. Travis Wojkowski
-LAST WEEK: 2
-Wojkowski finally gets to number one on our power rankings after a strong week getting into a fistfight with his door and chasing an angry rainforest out of his bathroom.

2. Forrest Wasmer
-LAST WEEK: 11
-Big week for Wasmer, who finally broke into the top five with an incredible performance frantically feeling up a mailbox he believed to be his teenage sister.

3. Devin Vahey
-LAST WEEK: 3
-Vahey holds serve with a solid but unspectacular showing, shoving his hand down a garbage disposal he believed to be a large bird's mouth, but catching himself before he flipped the switch.

4. Owen Stanwood
-LAST WEEK: 1
-Remains to be seen if Stanwood can recover after setting fire to his legs and hallucinating the flames as a comfortable blanket.

5. Jeannie Tegurt
-LAST WEEK: Unranked
-Ever since Tammy Tegurt, her mother and former partner on the women’s doubles hallucination circuit died after running through a plate glass window, Jeannie’s been the Tegurt to watch.

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