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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Crystal Meth Hallucinations League Power Rankings - Week 2

1. Travis Wojkowski
-LAST WEEK: 2
-Wojkowski finally gets to number one on our power rankings after a strong week getting into a fistfight with his door and chasing an angry rainforest out of his bathroom.

2. Forrest Wasmer
-LAST WEEK: 11
-Big week for Wasmer, who finally broke into the top five with an incredible performance frantically feeling up a mailbox he believed to be his teenage sister.

3. Devin Vahey
-LAST WEEK: 3
-Vahey holds serve with a solid but unspectacular showing, shoving his hand down a garbage disposal he believed to be a large bird's mouth, but catching himself before he flipped the switch.

4. Owen Stanwood
-LAST WEEK: 1
-Remains to be seen if Stanwood can recover after setting fire to his legs and hallucinating the flames as a comfortable blanket.

5. Jeannie Tegurt
-LAST WEEK: Unranked
-Ever since Tammy Tegurt, her mother and former partner on the women’s doubles hallucination circuit died after running through a plate glass window, Jeannie’s been the Tegurt to watch.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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