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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Crystal Meth Hallucinations League Power Rankings - Week 2

1. Travis Wojkowski
-LAST WEEK: 2
-Wojkowski finally gets to number one on our power rankings after a strong week getting into a fistfight with his door and chasing an angry rainforest out of his bathroom.

2. Forrest Wasmer
-LAST WEEK: 11
-Big week for Wasmer, who finally broke into the top five with an incredible performance frantically feeling up a mailbox he believed to be his teenage sister.

3. Devin Vahey
-LAST WEEK: 3
-Vahey holds serve with a solid but unspectacular showing, shoving his hand down a garbage disposal he believed to be a large bird's mouth, but catching himself before he flipped the switch.

4. Owen Stanwood
-LAST WEEK: 1
-Remains to be seen if Stanwood can recover after setting fire to his legs and hallucinating the flames as a comfortable blanket.

5. Jeannie Tegurt
-LAST WEEK: Unranked
-Ever since Tammy Tegurt, her mother and former partner on the women’s doubles hallucination circuit died after running through a plate glass window, Jeannie’s been the Tegurt to watch.

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