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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

'CSI' Set To Perform At Super Bowl Halftime Show

MIAMI—Just three weeks before its highly anticipated on-field performance at the Super Bowl XLIV halftime show, the popular CBS crime drama CSI is gearing up for what network executives are promising will be a "thrilling, high-tech whodunit on fourth and inches."

Cast members rehearse a body identification scene which will occur 40 minutes into the halftime spectacle.

According to CBS sources, the hour-long live performance on the Dolphin Stadium 50-yard line will feature the CSI cast and crew moving briskly through a tightly plotted narrative involving the investigation of several grisly murders in the greater Las Vegas area.

"Every performer dreams of playing the Super Bowl halftime show, so I can't begin to tell you how excited we are," CSI creator/producer Anthony Zuiker said. "When you look at the legends who've played it in the past—from Prince to Michael Jackson to Bruce Springsteen—it's incredible to think that CSI will soon be able to give screaming football fans a great show packed with all the taut, forensics-based intrigue they crave."

Added Zuiker, "And I don't want to give away too much, but let's just say things might get a little sticky for Sanders down in the lab."

An estimated $20 million has already been spent on the CSI halftime show, with much of the budget reportedly going toward the opening set piece, in which cast members Laurence Fishburne and Liz Vassey enter the stands to examine a young child's decomposing corpse in the fourth row.

While details of the show are a closely guarded secret, inside sources maintained that football fans would be treated to the same exciting twists and turns they have come to expect from the hit CBS drama, including the discovery of a semen stain just feet from the goal line that will leave viewers "on the edge of their seats."

"Obviously, the format presents some technical challenges for us," said CBS Super Bowl producer Lance Barrow. "This particular episode of CSI involves about 19 different locations, so it's going to take some effort, for instance, to transition smoothly between the victim's mother's dining room and the central booking station. But that's what the giant revolving set in the middle of the field is for."

Added Barrow, "The driving scenes might also be a little tricky, but we'll have a team of extras dressed as cops out there who will help clear a path in the crowd to make way for the cars."

Dolphin Stadium officials confirmed that they had hired extra grounds crew for what will likely be a heavy clean-up task. At least two dozen workers will be in charge of managing a 40-foot-long replica of a character's pancreas, which will spill simulated blood and digestive enzymes all over the field when punctured with a 30-foot-long scalpel prop.

CBS sources also revealed that CSI's performance would be interspersed with a number of showstopping live advertisements, including promos for upcoming episodes of other CBS series—among them Numb3rs and The Big Bang Theory—performed onstage by the casts of those shows.

While some have wondered whether the tense, hour-long narrative played out live in the middle of Super Bowl Sunday might take away from the actual football game, the network is assuring pigskin fans that they will not be disappointed.

"We're pulling out all the stops," CBS president and CEO Les Moonves said. "Tons of impenetrable forensic jargon; a graphic, four-minute conversation about a victim's rectal cavity; plus a special guest appearance from a certain former Nash Bridges star."

Added Moonves, "Now, if that doesn't say 'Super Bowl XLIV,' then I don't know what does."

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