OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Cuban Immigrant Can’t Believe He Risked Life Coming To America To Play For AA Birmingham Barons

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Saying the current experience was not what he bargained for, Cuban immigrant Jorge Fernandez, 24, told reporters Tuesday that he cannot believe he risked his life coming to America to play second base for the AA Birmingham Barons. “Jesus Christ, I spent six days floating across the ocean in a cramped, rusted-out fishing boat just so I could end up playing in front of 40 people in the middle of Alabama,” said a visibly frustrated Fernandez, adding that after leaving behind his entire family, hitchhiking across Cuba to rendezvous with smugglers, and nearly capsizing at sea, he is now paid $2,000 a month to play at some stadium called Regions Field. “It’s a good thing there isn’t anything to do in this hick shithole, because I’m still paying 30 percent of every paycheck to my smugglers for getting me here. I watched two of my friends drown during the crossing, but if I’m lucky I might eventually get invited to play in the Arizona Fall League for the goddamn Glendale Desert Dogs. Give me a fucking break.” At press time, the man who survived on crackers for nearly a week at sea was reluctantly boarding a bus for a five-hour drive to an away game in Biloxi, Mississippi.

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