MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Cuban Immigrant Can’t Believe He Risked Life Coming To America To Play For AA Birmingham Barons

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Saying the current experience was not what he bargained for, Cuban immigrant Jorge Fernandez, 24, told reporters Tuesday that he cannot believe he risked his life coming to America to play second base for the AA Birmingham Barons. “Jesus Christ, I spent six days floating across the ocean in a cramped, rusted-out fishing boat just so I could end up playing in front of 40 people in the middle of Alabama,” said a visibly frustrated Fernandez, adding that after leaving behind his entire family, hitchhiking across Cuba to rendezvous with smugglers, and nearly capsizing at sea, he is now paid $2,000 a month to play at some stadium called Regions Field. “It’s a good thing there isn’t anything to do in this hick shithole, because I’m still paying 30 percent of every paycheck to my smugglers for getting me here. I watched two of my friends drown during the crossing, but if I’m lucky I might eventually get invited to play in the Arizona Fall League for the goddamn Glendale Desert Dogs. Give me a fucking break.” At press time, the man who survived on crackers for nearly a week at sea was reluctantly boarding a bus for a five-hour drive to an away game in Biloxi, Mississippi.

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