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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Cuban Refugee Yuniesky Betancourt Prefers Castro To M's Manager John McLaren

SEATTLE—In post-game comments following another Mariners loss, shortstop and former Cuban refugee Yuniesky Betancourt expressed a preference for ex-Cuban dictator Fidel Castro over current Seattle manager John McLaren. "It's all about power with him—he berates us and talks for hour after hour about unity and pride, but you know he doesn't care about anyone but himself," Betancourt said of McLaren and not Castro. "He calls team meetings, but he's just doing them to make it seem like he's doing a good job managing. For Christ's sake, he starts Miguel Cairo at first base sometimes. If this were the Villa Clara Industriales, Castro would have had Miguel Cairo beaten with a boot. Say what you want about him, but at least you knew where you stood with Castro." Betancourt was later seen slipping a makeshift raft fashioned from catcher's mitts and empty tobacco canisters into Puget Sound under cover of night.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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