adBlockCheck

Sports

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Cubs Organ Player Getting Into Heavier, Darker Stuff

CHICAGO—Over the past several weeks, longtime Cubs organist Gary Pressy has gradually stopped playing the light ballpark-organ riffs that typically fill Wrigley Field's stands in favor of more broody, chilling songs. "I have to say that lately the sounds coming out of that organ have made me anxious and sad and in no mood to clap along," said season-ticket holder Mike Preston, adding that instead of playing "Hava Nagila" or using his organ to start a "Let's Go Cubs" chant, Pressy will strike an oppressive minor chord and sustain the unsettling tone for up to an entire minute. "Yesterday he played a really slow fugue on 'Take Me Out to the Ball Game' in this dark, funereal key. It was haunting." When asked for comment, Pressy drove reporters away by playing a demented arrangement of "Happy Birthday" on his newly installed 20,000-pipe, seven-story-tall organ.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close