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Cubs Players Heckle Lackluster Fans In Wrigley Field Stands

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Cubs Players Heckle Lackluster Fans In Wrigley Field Stands

CHICAGO—After seeing yet another anemic, lifeless display in the stands, sources confirmed Tuesday that frustrated Chicago Cubs players began heckling the team’s lackluster fans at Wrigley Field. “C’mon! Show some heart, for God’s sake!” Cubs outfielder Nate Schierholtz reportedly screamed while his fellow teammates loudly booed the fans in the stadium. “You’re fucking pathetic! You don’t deserve to wear those colors!” At press time, irate Cubs players and coaches were seen leaving the game en masse midway through the seventh inning.

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