adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Cubs To Continue Tradition Of Playing Baseball

CHICAGO—The Chicago Cubs, an Illinois-based Major League Baseball club, has continued its rich tradition of sending nine players onto the field and engaging its opponents in games of baseball. "This is an organization with a storied history of taking the field for 162 games a year, sometimes slightly more," manager Lou Piniella said in a pregame press conference in which he reverently lauded the fact that, since 1870, Cubs players have been dutifully hitting, running, pitching, and playing defense on days when they have been scheduled to do so. "And I have a feeling that this is the year when we once again play about 162 baseball games." As per its custom, the team is also expected to wear distinctive uniforms.

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close