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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Culinary World Stunned As Horse Meat Found At 3-Star Michelin Restaurant The Horse & Pony

ST. HELENA, CA—Shockwaves rocked the world of haute cuisine today after Napa Valley health authorities discovered the iconic 3-star Michelin restaurant The Horse & Pony featured horse meat in all 18 courses of its signature chef’s tasting menu. “To think that one of the finest restaurants in the country, if not the world, could have gotten away with this for so long is astonishing,” said Food & Wine Editor-in-Chief Dana Cowin, who unwittingly relished sizable amounts of both cooked and raw horse meat in head chef Martin Flax’s renowned menu of amuse-bouches and entrées, including caramelized rillettes de cheval, lavender horse truffles, and sesame pony carpaccio. “It is disgusting and beyond reprehensible. Still, to this day, I have to admit it’s the best meal I’ve ever eaten. The stallion consommé alone was worth the price of admission.” At press time, authorities were also investigating the restaurant’s acclaimed pastry shop next door, The Little Mare.

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