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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Culinary World Stunned As Horse Meat Found At 3-Star Michelin Restaurant The Horse & Pony

ST. HELENA, CA—Shockwaves rocked the world of haute cuisine today after Napa Valley health authorities discovered the iconic 3-star Michelin restaurant The Horse & Pony featured horse meat in all 18 courses of its signature chef’s tasting menu. “To think that one of the finest restaurants in the country, if not the world, could have gotten away with this for so long is astonishing,” said Food & Wine Editor-in-Chief Dana Cowin, who unwittingly relished sizable amounts of both cooked and raw horse meat in head chef Martin Flax’s renowned menu of amuse-bouches and entrées, including caramelized rillettes de cheval, lavender horse truffles, and sesame pony carpaccio. “It is disgusting and beyond reprehensible. Still, to this day, I have to admit it’s the best meal I’ve ever eaten. The stallion consommé alone was worth the price of admission.” At press time, authorities were also investigating the restaurant’s acclaimed pastry shop next door, The Little Mare.

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