adBlockCheck

Cult Divided On Whether To Let Women Become Telepathic-Vision Clerics

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Cult Divided On Whether To Let Women Become Telepathic-Vision Clerics

Some Seventh Light leaders claim women should be able to preside over traditional spirit-probing ceremonies such as this.
Some Seventh Light leaders claim women should be able to preside over traditional spirit-probing ceremonies such as this.

KLAMATH FALLS, OR—According to sources within the Seventh Light compound, a rift has recently emerged within the cult over the question of whether to ordain female disciples as telepathic-vision clerics.

"It is the Singular Essence's will that our holy prophet Raymond was male, as were the initial Six Believers whom he entrusted with the Inward Knowledge," read a statement issued Monday by the group's governing body, the Acolyte Council. "Therefore we cannot condone any trans-dimensional communications, tomorrow-visions, or human or animal castrations performed by a woman."

The harsh decree was reportedly directed toward Seventh Light members who see the ordination of women as the only way to manage the cult's current shortage of telepathic-vision clerics, a problem that has grown in recent years as more clerics are defrocked for engaging in sex with underage disciples who have not yet undergone the ceremonial Rite of Public Deflowering.

"Simply put, the telepathic-vision clergy is spread too thin," said Mary Rho, 39, whose views on the issue have resulted in her expulsion from the group's compound. "Their time is consumed by minor administrative issues, such as overseeing the daily distribution of catheters or tallying the week's offerings in the blood troughs, leaving them with almost no time to monitor AM radio for signs of the prophesied wormhole."

"At this point," Rho added, "I don't see how the Council can afford to turn away any clerical aspirant—man or woman—who's willing to undergo the mandatory blinding."

For many Seventh Light adherents, however, the pragmatic argument for female ordination flies in the face of teachings set forth in the White Pamphlet, the sacred 32-page text said to have been revealed to Klamath Falls native Paul David Lassiter, the man now known to his followers as Raymond.

"The [White Pamphlet] has guided our people ever since the Ancient Times," said Jacob Chi, 57, referring to the 1978 founding of Seventh Light, just before Lassiter's conviction on three counts of racketeering and performing plasma transfusions without a license. "As the Pamphlet clearly indicates, a woman's duty is to prepare the communal family to shed their Earth Auras. To deny these facts is to deny the very word of Raymond."

"Sixfold purities to Raymond!" he added.

Other disciples have asserted, if only in private, that the prophet's writings should not be taken literally in every context.

"There's no doubting the Pamphlet provides vital instructions on how to achieve a state of heightened pleasure-depravation and prepare oneself for the Blood Dawning," said a 34-year-old cult member who asked not to be named. "But it is important to recognize that many of the parables—such as the 1972 divine annihilation of the wicked city of Portland or the Believers' 40-year trek along Interstate 5—should be interpreted metaphorically."

"Plus, pages 27 through 29 are all just Jefferson Starship lyrics," the member added.

A recent poll found that while most of the Seventh Light faithful support the ordination of female telepathic-vision clerics, many remain vehement in their opposition: 31 percent said they would not allow a woman to brand their newborn with the Marking, 23 percent said women are incapable of translating the soul-transmissions of extraterrestrial beings who await the disciples' return, and one in 10 threatened to leave the cult entirely should some woman start telling them what to do.

"It is our spiritual duty to preserve these sacred traditions," said irate survey respondent Joseph Omicron, 48. "If we let women become telepathic-vision clerics, then what's next? Allowing them to grow hair?"

Caught in the middle of this intensifying battle between Seventh Light fundamentalists and progressives are disciples who, like 24-year-old Daniel Pi, remain undecided on the question of female ordination.

"I've heard both sides make their case, and I still don't know what's best," Pi said. "Frankly, I'm not sure what the big fuss is anyway. This whole argument will be moot in six days when we board up the windows and burn ourselves alive."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close