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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Cult Leader Pretty Cool, Actually

SANTA MONICA, CA—Despite accusations that Joshua Wyden is the dangerous and manipulative leader of a cult known as The Watchful Eye, a recent interview with the charismatic guru revealed that he is not such a bad guy, really, and in fact has a certain captivating energy about him that is both impressive and disarming.

"Our faith will be tested in the Final Days, and so we must purge our worldly bodies of material goods and sexual desires," said Wyden, whose warm blue eyes are the only thing that makes sense anymore since the divorce. "You must use your position in the media to spread the truth God is delivering through me. Do you have any equity left in your home?"

A more detailed report on Wyden's activities will follow next Saturday's meeting of The Watchful Eye, at which time Father is scheduled to reveal to his loyal followers how we will join with The Overmind in the upcoming soul harvest.

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