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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Cult Leader Pretty Cool, Actually

SANTA MONICA, CA—Despite accusations that Joshua Wyden is the dangerous and manipulative leader of a cult known as The Watchful Eye, a recent interview with the charismatic guru revealed that he is not such a bad guy, really, and in fact has a certain captivating energy about him that is both impressive and disarming.

"Our faith will be tested in the Final Days, and so we must purge our worldly bodies of material goods and sexual desires," said Wyden, whose warm blue eyes are the only thing that makes sense anymore since the divorce. "You must use your position in the media to spread the truth God is delivering through me. Do you have any equity left in your home?"

A more detailed report on Wyden's activities will follow next Saturday's meeting of The Watchful Eye, at which time Father is scheduled to reveal to his loyal followers how we will join with The Overmind in the upcoming soul harvest.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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