Cult Leader Pretty Cool, Actually

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Vol 43 Issue 25

Bar Skanks Announce Plans To Kiss

COLUMBUS, OH—The skanks would neither confirm nor deny that the kiss would involve tongue, forcing many bargoers to wait and continuously eye the suggestive pair.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Cult Leader Pretty Cool, Actually

SANTA MONICA, CA—Despite accusations that Joshua Wyden is the dangerous and manipulative leader of a cult known as The Watchful Eye, a recent interview with the charismatic guru revealed that he is not such a bad guy, really, and in fact has a certain captivating energy about him that is both impressive and disarming.

"Our faith will be tested in the Final Days, and so we must purge our worldly bodies of material goods and sexual desires," said Wyden, whose warm blue eyes are the only thing that makes sense anymore since the divorce. "You must use your position in the media to spread the truth God is delivering through me. Do you have any equity left in your home?"

A more detailed report on Wyden's activities will follow next Saturday's meeting of The Watchful Eye, at which time Father is scheduled to reveal to his loyal followers how we will join with The Overmind in the upcoming soul harvest.

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