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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Cult Leader Pretty Cool, Actually

SANTA MONICA, CA—Despite accusations that Joshua Wyden is the dangerous and manipulative leader of a cult known as The Watchful Eye, a recent interview with the charismatic guru revealed that he is not such a bad guy, really, and in fact has a certain captivating energy about him that is both impressive and disarming.

"Our faith will be tested in the Final Days, and so we must purge our worldly bodies of material goods and sexual desires," said Wyden, whose warm blue eyes are the only thing that makes sense anymore since the divorce. "You must use your position in the media to spread the truth God is delivering through me. Do you have any equity left in your home?"

A more detailed report on Wyden's activities will follow next Saturday's meeting of The Watchful Eye, at which time Father is scheduled to reveal to his loyal followers how we will join with The Overmind in the upcoming soul harvest.

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