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Cult Leader Pretty Cool, Actually

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Cult Leader Pretty Cool, Actually

SANTA MONICA, CA—Despite accusations that Joshua Wyden is the dangerous and manipulative leader of a cult known as The Watchful Eye, a recent interview with the charismatic guru revealed that he is not such a bad guy, really, and in fact has a certain captivating energy about him that is both impressive and disarming.

"Our faith will be tested in the Final Days, and so we must purge our worldly bodies of material goods and sexual desires," said Wyden, whose warm blue eyes are the only thing that makes sense anymore since the divorce. "You must use your position in the media to spread the truth God is delivering through me. Do you have any equity left in your home?"

A more detailed report on Wyden's activities will follow next Saturday's meeting of The Watchful Eye, at which time Father is scheduled to reveal to his loyal followers how we will join with The Overmind in the upcoming soul harvest.

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