Cupid Shooting Spree Leaves Dozens Infatuated

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Vol 41 Issue 19

Upper-Middle-Class Man Vows To Never Forget Middle-Class Roots

ELMBROOK, WI—Although he earns a salary in the low six figures, 38-year-old investment banker David Monreal said he will always stay true to his middle-class upbringing. "When I was a kid, both of my parents held down jobs just to help pay for our split-level ranch home and two Chryslers," Monreal said. "Mom used to have a rule: no TV during supper. No matter how big my portfolio gets, I'll never forget that rule." Monreal said he hopes one day to take his kids to the office where their Grandpa Joe toiled selling insurance for up to 40 hours a week.

Poster Vandal Enters 'Phallus In Mouth' Period

OAKLAND, CA—According to experts at the American Folk Art Museum, the billboard and subway-poster defacer known only as "Suck It" has entered his "phallus in mouth" phase. "As you can see, the artist has moved from drawing larger breasts on the lingerie models to depicting erect penises entering their mouths," said art critic Graham Kern, gesturing to a vandalized Victoria's Secret poster. "His Sharpie phalluses offer a stark contrast to the colorful hues of the ad, with simple lines recalling Henri Matisse's nudes." Kern said he has not seen such energetic lines since the poster vandal's "blackened-in teeth" period.

Joy Sucked Out Of Room By Pumped-Up Manager

CHICAGO—Leo Burnett Advertising project manager Dirk Hazelton's show of enthusiasm drained the creative spirit from the conference room Monday. "Man, the country loves this cheddar! The country needs this cheddar!" said Hazelton to his creative team, pumping his fists in the air. "Come on and join in. We all grew up on cheddar! What do you think of when you think of cheddar? Let's get some ideas on the board." Members of the creative team responded with mortified silence.

Fear Factor Creator's Will: 'Heirs Must Eat My Ashes To Collect Inheritance'

LOS ANGELES—According to details of Fear Factor creator John de Mol's will released Monday, his heirs cannot collect their inheritance until they complete a battery of challenges. "I do bequeath my estate to my wife and children, henceforth 'you,' on the condition that you fully consume the ashes from my freshly cremated corpse," the creator's will read. "Should you be able to complete the task, you will receive $10 million and a Caribbean vacation. Fail, and you'll be eliminated from my benefactors—unless you spend one hour locked in a coffin filled with maggots." Comedian Joe Rogan will serve as the will's executor.

Senators Lured Back To Emergency Session By Promise Of Free Pizza

WASHINGTON, DC—U.S. senators from both parties, tired and eager to go home to their families after a hard day of legislation, were enticed back into the Senate chamber for an emergency budget session Tuesday by the promise of Little Caesars. "I know it's been a long day, but if you stay late, there's gonna be pizza," said Majority Whip Mitch McConnell at 9:30 p.m. "Don't tell [Senate Majority Leader Bill] Frist, but stick around, and I'll make sure you all get an extra order of Crazy Bread with sauce." The senators only relented when McConnell promised that if they hammered out the budget by 1 a.m., they could rent Glengarry Glen Ross and watch it in the hearing room.

Scientology Losing Ground To New Fictionology

LOS ANGELES—According to a report released Monday by the American Institute of Religions, the Church of Scientology, once one of the fastest-growing religious organizations in the U.S., is steadily losing members to the much newer religion Fictionology.

Horoscope for the week of May 11, 2005

After a grueling three-year investigation, the National Transportation Safety Board will rule that a faulty steering valve in your tail section caused your tragic crash into that shopping mall.
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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Cupid Shooting Spree Leaves Dozens Infatuated

CHICAGO—Dozens of innocent citizens were infatuated Monday, when a winged angel of romantic inspiration—or "Cupid"—drew his magical bow and opened fire on a crowd at Lincoln Park, striking an as-yet-undetermined number of people directly in their hearts during a 13-minute enchanted-arrow shooting spree.

Police question victims who were attacked by Cupid (below).

"I was just walking along the sidewalk when I saw this chubby, winged guy wearing some sort of diaper, pointing a red-tipped arrow in my direction," said Steve Kremms, an insurance adjuster who was pierced by love's dart during Monday's incident. "I didn't really know what was happening. I barely had time to shout 'Down!' and wrestle this mousy librarian-type to the ground before I started stammering and feeling light-headed. Her name is Jackie and she writes poetry... We both come to this park a lot, but I'd never noticed her before, even though she has these amazing eyes."

"It was just so senseless, so out of nowhere, like a bolt of lightning," Kremms added. "Girls do like getting flowers, right? That isn't just a myth? God, I'm no good at this."

Police responded within 90 seconds of the incident. Some were caught in the crossfire.

"I haven't seen anything like it in my 13 years on the force, and only a few things like it since high school," said Detective Jim McClancy, one of the first officers on the scene. "Pairs of people were lying on the grass, on park benches, sitting on the curb, everywhere. They were giggling, murmuring sweet nothings... some were even moaning a little. I felt so... helpless—we knew the shooter was still in the park somewhere. I'll never forget how my heart almost stopped when my partner Julio, a guy I've served with for half my career, turned to me and said, 'Do you feel like getting some Chinese?'"

Amateur video shot at the scene shows the apple-cheeked cherub firing bolt after heart-tipped bolt into the crowd. Those hit reacted immediately by clasping their hands between their knees, casting their eyes downward, and digging their toes sheepishly in the dirt. In some cases, the victims hid their eyes altogether and grinned vacuously at absolutely nothing.

Although the tape has not yet been aired on television, authorities plan to do so as soon as soft-focus filtration effects are added and the footage is overdubbed with the Gary Wright ballad "Dream Weaver."

No arrests have been made, but police are currently rounding up local personifications of love's sudden and unpredictable onset. At least three winged, shirtless, cherubic residents of neighboring Winnetka and Mundelein are being kept in police custody as "persons of interest."

No motive has yet been given for the shootings, but forensic romantics speculate that the unusually benevolent spring weather and warm, breezy day may have played a part in the shooter's actions.

Police do not yet have an exact count of the victims struck by what they call "the heart's sweet, sweet wound," but at least six people were smitten seriously enough to rush themselves to emergency suites at area hotels, from which none have yet emerged.

Determining the extent of the shooting will most likely be difficult, experts say, due to the tendency of those affected to strenuously deny their infatuation while simultaneously refusing to seek treatment, in some cases actually resisting all offers of assistance and withdrawing from human contact for weeks.

"It's way too early to fully understand this wonderful shooting," said Anna Gardner, a relationship therapist working to help shooting victims get up the nerve to confess their feelings to one another. "People are going to come forward for weeks, talking about this memorable day. Roger, this very sweet man I met at the scene, said sometimes the enchanted arrow hits so hard, the victims don't realize they've been struck."

"He also said I have cute toes," added Gardner. "Such a thing to say! Can you imagine?"

Although the victims' reactions varied from blushing reticence to giggling denial to erratic behavior such as singing under other victims' windows, the total number of those lovestruck in the attack may never be accurately determined. Early reports indicate that as many as 24 people were exhibiting obvious signs of distraction and giddiness, and perhaps a dozen more were refusing to leave the sides of other victims.

Crisis-center representatives report that they are being flooded with calls inquiring about the welfare of possible victims, asking whether said victims have mentioned the callers in any way, and wondering if the hotline operator would agree to speak to the victims on the callers' behalf.

As of press time, at least three Chicago-area couples are missing and presumed wed.

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