Cupid Shooting Spree Leaves Dozens Infatuated

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Cupid Shooting Spree Leaves Dozens Infatuated

CHICAGO—Dozens of innocent citizens were infatuated Monday, when a winged angel of romantic inspiration—or "Cupid"—drew his magical bow and opened fire on a crowd at Lincoln Park, striking an as-yet-undetermined number of people directly in their hearts during a 13-minute enchanted-arrow shooting spree.

Police question victims who were attacked by Cupid (below).

"I was just walking along the sidewalk when I saw this chubby, winged guy wearing some sort of diaper, pointing a red-tipped arrow in my direction," said Steve Kremms, an insurance adjuster who was pierced by love's dart during Monday's incident. "I didn't really know what was happening. I barely had time to shout 'Down!' and wrestle this mousy librarian-type to the ground before I started stammering and feeling light-headed. Her name is Jackie and she writes poetry... We both come to this park a lot, but I'd never noticed her before, even though she has these amazing eyes."

"It was just so senseless, so out of nowhere, like a bolt of lightning," Kremms added. "Girls do like getting flowers, right? That isn't just a myth? God, I'm no good at this."

Police responded within 90 seconds of the incident. Some were caught in the crossfire.

"I haven't seen anything like it in my 13 years on the force, and only a few things like it since high school," said Detective Jim McClancy, one of the first officers on the scene. "Pairs of people were lying on the grass, on park benches, sitting on the curb, everywhere. They were giggling, murmuring sweet nothings... some were even moaning a little. I felt so... helpless—we knew the shooter was still in the park somewhere. I'll never forget how my heart almost stopped when my partner Julio, a guy I've served with for half my career, turned to me and said, 'Do you feel like getting some Chinese?'"

Amateur video shot at the scene shows the apple-cheeked cherub firing bolt after heart-tipped bolt into the crowd. Those hit reacted immediately by clasping their hands between their knees, casting their eyes downward, and digging their toes sheepishly in the dirt. In some cases, the victims hid their eyes altogether and grinned vacuously at absolutely nothing.

Although the tape has not yet been aired on television, authorities plan to do so as soon as soft-focus filtration effects are added and the footage is overdubbed with the Gary Wright ballad "Dream Weaver."

No arrests have been made, but police are currently rounding up local personifications of love's sudden and unpredictable onset. At least three winged, shirtless, cherubic residents of neighboring Winnetka and Mundelein are being kept in police custody as "persons of interest."

No motive has yet been given for the shootings, but forensic romantics speculate that the unusually benevolent spring weather and warm, breezy day may have played a part in the shooter's actions.

Police do not yet have an exact count of the victims struck by what they call "the heart's sweet, sweet wound," but at least six people were smitten seriously enough to rush themselves to emergency suites at area hotels, from which none have yet emerged.

Determining the extent of the shooting will most likely be difficult, experts say, due to the tendency of those affected to strenuously deny their infatuation while simultaneously refusing to seek treatment, in some cases actually resisting all offers of assistance and withdrawing from human contact for weeks.

"It's way too early to fully understand this wonderful shooting," said Anna Gardner, a relationship therapist working to help shooting victims get up the nerve to confess their feelings to one another. "People are going to come forward for weeks, talking about this memorable day. Roger, this very sweet man I met at the scene, said sometimes the enchanted arrow hits so hard, the victims don't realize they've been struck."

"He also said I have cute toes," added Gardner. "Such a thing to say! Can you imagine?"

Although the victims' reactions varied from blushing reticence to giggling denial to erratic behavior such as singing under other victims' windows, the total number of those lovestruck in the attack may never be accurately determined. Early reports indicate that as many as 24 people were exhibiting obvious signs of distraction and giddiness, and perhaps a dozen more were refusing to leave the sides of other victims.

Crisis-center representatives report that they are being flooded with calls inquiring about the welfare of possible victims, asking whether said victims have mentioned the callers in any way, and wondering if the hotline operator would agree to speak to the victims on the callers' behalf.

As of press time, at least three Chicago-area couples are missing and presumed wed.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close