Cupid Shooting Spree Leaves Dozens Infatuated

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Late Night

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Cupid Shooting Spree Leaves Dozens Infatuated

CHICAGO—Dozens of innocent citizens were infatuated Monday, when a winged angel of romantic inspiration—or "Cupid"—drew his magical bow and opened fire on a crowd at Lincoln Park, striking an as-yet-undetermined number of people directly in their hearts during a 13-minute enchanted-arrow shooting spree.

Police question victims who were attacked by Cupid (below).

"I was just walking along the sidewalk when I saw this chubby, winged guy wearing some sort of diaper, pointing a red-tipped arrow in my direction," said Steve Kremms, an insurance adjuster who was pierced by love's dart during Monday's incident. "I didn't really know what was happening. I barely had time to shout 'Down!' and wrestle this mousy librarian-type to the ground before I started stammering and feeling light-headed. Her name is Jackie and she writes poetry... We both come to this park a lot, but I'd never noticed her before, even though she has these amazing eyes."

"It was just so senseless, so out of nowhere, like a bolt of lightning," Kremms added. "Girls do like getting flowers, right? That isn't just a myth? God, I'm no good at this."

Police responded within 90 seconds of the incident. Some were caught in the crossfire.

"I haven't seen anything like it in my 13 years on the force, and only a few things like it since high school," said Detective Jim McClancy, one of the first officers on the scene. "Pairs of people were lying on the grass, on park benches, sitting on the curb, everywhere. They were giggling, murmuring sweet nothings... some were even moaning a little. I felt so... helpless—we knew the shooter was still in the park somewhere. I'll never forget how my heart almost stopped when my partner Julio, a guy I've served with for half my career, turned to me and said, 'Do you feel like getting some Chinese?'"

Amateur video shot at the scene shows the apple-cheeked cherub firing bolt after heart-tipped bolt into the crowd. Those hit reacted immediately by clasping their hands between their knees, casting their eyes downward, and digging their toes sheepishly in the dirt. In some cases, the victims hid their eyes altogether and grinned vacuously at absolutely nothing.

Although the tape has not yet been aired on television, authorities plan to do so as soon as soft-focus filtration effects are added and the footage is overdubbed with the Gary Wright ballad "Dream Weaver."

No arrests have been made, but police are currently rounding up local personifications of love's sudden and unpredictable onset. At least three winged, shirtless, cherubic residents of neighboring Winnetka and Mundelein are being kept in police custody as "persons of interest."

No motive has yet been given for the shootings, but forensic romantics speculate that the unusually benevolent spring weather and warm, breezy day may have played a part in the shooter's actions.

Police do not yet have an exact count of the victims struck by what they call "the heart's sweet, sweet wound," but at least six people were smitten seriously enough to rush themselves to emergency suites at area hotels, from which none have yet emerged.

Determining the extent of the shooting will most likely be difficult, experts say, due to the tendency of those affected to strenuously deny their infatuation while simultaneously refusing to seek treatment, in some cases actually resisting all offers of assistance and withdrawing from human contact for weeks.

"It's way too early to fully understand this wonderful shooting," said Anna Gardner, a relationship therapist working to help shooting victims get up the nerve to confess their feelings to one another. "People are going to come forward for weeks, talking about this memorable day. Roger, this very sweet man I met at the scene, said sometimes the enchanted arrow hits so hard, the victims don't realize they've been struck."

"He also said I have cute toes," added Gardner. "Such a thing to say! Can you imagine?"

Although the victims' reactions varied from blushing reticence to giggling denial to erratic behavior such as singing under other victims' windows, the total number of those lovestruck in the attack may never be accurately determined. Early reports indicate that as many as 24 people were exhibiting obvious signs of distraction and giddiness, and perhaps a dozen more were refusing to leave the sides of other victims.

Crisis-center representatives report that they are being flooded with calls inquiring about the welfare of possible victims, asking whether said victims have mentioned the callers in any way, and wondering if the hotline operator would agree to speak to the victims on the callers' behalf.

As of press time, at least three Chicago-area couples are missing and presumed wed.

Next Story