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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Curiosity Rover To Explore Massive Martian Synagogue

PASADENA, CA­—Nearly a year after Curiosity’s triumphant Mars landing, scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced today that the NASA rover is preparing to explore a large structure six kilometers south of the Gale Crater, which preliminary reports indicate is an enormous Martian synagogue. “There appears to be a wheelchair-accessible ramp near the main sanctuary entrance by the stone replica of the 10 Commandments, so our plan is to collect samples from there, and then continue past the member services desk to the Lebowitz wing,” project scientist Joy Crisp said of NASA’s plans for the upcoming mission, which also include taking photos of the Jewish Community Center two kilometers southwest of the temple. “If our early thermal imaging and soil samples bear out, it appears as if Martians would congregate in the JCC’s steam room, stop at a nearby delicatessen for lox and bagels, and then file into the synagogue for services. Analysis of some discarded Havdalah candles could mean that not only was there life on the Red Planet, but that it was fully capable of observing the Sabbath.” Crisp added that scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory were eager to analyze a theatrical playbill believed to be from the JCC’s performing arts annex, which, according to the document, staged a popular production of Fiddler On The Roof starring a 12-year-old Seth Schwartz as Tevye.

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