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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Curious David Ortiz Wondering What Happens To Players After They Retire

BOSTON—Speculating there is “a big clubhouse way up at the top of the sky,” Boston Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz reportedly expressed his curiosity Thursday over what happens to players after they retire. “Is there anything after that, or are you just gone forever?” said the 38-year-old designated hitter, adding that he sincerely hopes retirement “doesn’t hurt too bad.” “Do you get to see all your friends who retired? Man, my best friend Jason Vortex [sic] retired a few whiles ago, and I was really sad, but maybe I can see him again someday. I just hope I’ve been good enough to end up somewhere nice—I don’t want to be in the bad place for players who weren’t good.” After a period of noticeable anxiety, Ortiz then reportedly calmed down and assured himself that players generally only retire when they are “really old and can’t hit the ball anymore.”

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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