Curious David Ortiz Wondering What Happens To Players After They Retire

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 17

60 Teens Arrested In Senior Class Prank

More than 60 students from Teaneck High School in New Jersey were arrested this week after they taped hot dogs to lockers and urinated all over the floors as part of a senior class prank.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Innovation

Late Night

Curious David Ortiz Wondering What Happens To Players After They Retire

BOSTON—Speculating there is “a big clubhouse way up at the top of the sky,” Boston Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz reportedly expressed his curiosity Thursday over what happens to players after they retire. “Is there anything after that, or are you just gone forever?” said the 38-year-old designated hitter, adding that he sincerely hopes retirement “doesn’t hurt too bad.” “Do you get to see all your friends who retired? Man, my best friend Jason Vortex [sic] retired a few whiles ago, and I was really sad, but maybe I can see him again someday. I just hope I’ve been good enough to end up somewhere nice—I don’t want to be in the bad place for players who weren’t good.” After a period of noticeable anxiety, Ortiz then reportedly calmed down and assured himself that players generally only retire when they are “really old and can’t hit the ball anymore.”

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More