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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Curt Schilling’s Family Urges Him To Finally See Doctor About Bleeding Ankle

MEDFIELD, MA—Insisting that his prevailing injury could be serious, family members of retired baseball pitcher Curt Schilling reportedly urged the former Red Sox starter Wednesday to finally visit a doctor about his wounded right ankle, which continues to bleed 10 years after Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS. “[Wife] Shonda and the kids keep telling me I need to get this thing checked out, but I don’t really see what the big deal is,” Schilling said of his perpetually hemorrhaging ankle, which sources confirmed has trickled an uninterrupted stream of blood without clotting since the legendary playoff game a full decade ago. “I do wake up every morning to find the bottom of my bedsheets stained with blood, but look, I can still walk on my right foot all right. It’s just one of those old baseball injuries, you know? Nothing to worry about.” Schilling went on to say that unless it’s an absolute emergency, he has generally been reluctant to see any doctor ever since he lost his health insurance upon retiring from baseball in 2009.

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