Customer Service Operator Safely In Remote Location

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City Adds Some Big Concrete Stairs

They’re For Sitting On Or Running Up Or Something

CHICAGO—Noting the structure’s considerable size and prominent location in a busy public park, local residents confirmed Tuesday that the city had installed some big concrete stairs that were probably for sitting on or running up or something like that.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.


Customer Service Operator Safely In Remote Location

PHOENIX, AZ—Incompetent and uncaring U-Haul helpline operator Kamio Morton's remote Phoenix location is the only thing protecting him from brutal, bloody revenge at the hands of thousands of irate customers, sources reported Monday. "Listen, shitass, get me a tow truck right this fucking minute or, so help me God, I'll gut you," stranded Brooklyn motorist Don Jewison said from the shoulder of Chicago's I-294, where he had been awaiting assistance for more than four hours. "Put me on hold one more time, and I'll put you in the fucking hospital." Jewison is the 63rd motorist to impotently threaten Morton's life this year, a streak that is expected to come to a sudden end when a U-Haul truck inevitably breaks down within walking distance of Phoenix.