adBlockCheck

Recent News

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
End Of Section
  • More News

Customer Service Operator Safely In Remote Location

PHOENIX, AZ—Incompetent and uncaring U-Haul helpline operator Kamio Morton's remote Phoenix location is the only thing protecting him from brutal, bloody revenge at the hands of thousands of irate customers, sources reported Monday. "Listen, shitass, get me a tow truck right this fucking minute or, so help me God, I'll gut you," stranded Brooklyn motorist Don Jewison said from the shoulder of Chicago's I-294, where he had been awaiting assistance for more than four hours. "Put me on hold one more time, and I'll put you in the fucking hospital." Jewison is the 63rd motorist to impotently threaten Morton's life this year, a streak that is expected to come to a sudden end when a U-Haul truck inevitably breaks down within walking distance of Phoenix.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close