Customer's Attempt To Complain To Manager Thwarted By Employee

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Vol 41 Issue 27

All Y'All Urged To Go Fuck Yo' Selves

DETROIT—In a strongly worded pronouncement to all y'all motherfuckers, Detroit resident Dwayne Combs urged all y'all to go fuck yo' selves Monday. "Y'all be bullshit," said Combs in a 3:17 a.m. address from the corner of Woodward Avenue and Grand Boulevard. "And yo' mama, too." Monday's statement marked the normally reclusive Combs' first since an October 1998 appeal to Detroit's city council to kiss his big, black ass. Representatives for all y'all have not yet responded to Combs' themselves-fucking offer.

Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor

GARLAND, TX—Local resident Jesse McCombs' sole remaining lung filled with the rich, satisfying flavor of Parliament cigarettes Monday. "Mmm, now that's a good smoke," said McCombs, 51, drawing a deep breath of Parliament smoke into what remains of his respiratory system. "It's just too bad I no longer have a right lung, because then I could be enjoying double the tobacco pleasure right now."

Magic-Markered Initials Fail To Deter Breakroom Rice-Cake Thief

FRESNO, CA—Despite clearly marking her initials on her rice-cake bag in black Magic Marker, secretary Elaine Fahey was once again the victim of I&G Marketing's breakroom rice-cake thief Monday. "Whoever's doing this really needs to learn about something called a supermarket," said Fahey, who has lost one strawberry and three caramel-apple rice cakes to the thief this month. "Rice cakes aren't free, you know." Fahey said she plans to take harsher security measures, including a Post-It note on the bag reading, "These are my rice cakes... Please get your own!!!"

National Filmstrip Board Calls For Quiet

WASHINGTON, DC—Insisting that "this is important, people," the National Filmstrip Board called for quiet Monday, urging U.S. citizens to observe proper decorum and be respectful during the showing of its latest filmstrip, Nation Of Good Listeners. "Come on, come on, come on," National Filmstrip Board executive director Madeline Herricks said. "Clear your desks and let's get settled, Americans." Herricks added that if citizens fail to keep their lips zipped, she may be forced to turn off the filmstrip and order all Americans to put their heads down on their desks. "You know, we don't have to have a filmstrip at all," Herricks told the populace. "This is supposed to be a nice change of pace for you. We could just have another census if you'd prefer."

The Social Security Time Bomb

Experts continue to urge Congress to cut the growth of Social Security, warning that the nation faces unsustainable deficits if action isn't taken. What do you think?

'Midwest' Discovered Between East And West Coasts

NEW YORK—A U.S. Geological Survey expeditionary force announced Tuesday that it has discovered a previously unknown and unexplored land mass between the New York and California coasts known as the "Midwest."
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Customer's Attempt To Complain To Manager Thwarted By Employee

ELGIN, IL—A customer's repeated attempts to complain to the store manager about Mama Z's Pizza employee Matt Wheaton were successfully thwarted by Wheaton, restaurant sources confirmed Monday.

"At about 10 p.m., this guy calls up bitching about how he got sausage on the pizza we delivered, going all apeshit because he's, like, a vegetarian or something," the 20-year-old Wheaton told reporters while mopping behind the counter. "So I was like, 'Tough break, man'—you know, trying to sympathize with him. But that just totally pissed him off for some reason."

Wheaton said he attempted to determine whether the customer, Gary Marchese of 344 Gloria Street, could "deal" with the pizza as is or if he wanted to go through the trouble of having another one delivered.

"He got all mad about that, as if I was insulting him by saying he should just pick the sausage balls off," Wheaton said. "He told me that even if he picked them off, the meat juice was still all over the pizza. Finally, I was like, 'Okay. What the fuck. I'll send the driver out with another one right away, sir.'"

An hour and a half later, Wheaton answered the phone to find Marchese, 54, inquiring as to the whereabouts of his replacement pizza. He informed Marchese that "someone" must have forgotten to put in the order.

"So [Marchese] says, 'Well, Matt, you are the person I spoke with, aren't you?'" Wheaton said. "Right then and there, I knew this guy was gonna be trouble, remembering my name like that. Sure enough, he cuts loose with, 'Could I please speak to the manager? Perhaps he can help me get my money back.'"

Wheaton said he wasn't fooled by the customer's request. "That guy didn't just want his money back," he said. "He wanted to rat on my ass."

Though manager Vance Endries was in the back of the store facing dollar bills, Wheaton told the irate customer that he had stepped out for a few minutes "to go to the bank or something."

"Normally, I wouldn't care if somebody bitches me out to the boss," Wheaton said, "but after skipping work twice last week, I was an ass hair from getting canned."

Vowing to call back later, Marchese asked for Wheaton's last name. Wheaton told him it was Jones. As an added protective measure, for the remainder of his shift, Wheaton answered the phone with an accent somewhere between French and Jamaican. Though Marchese did not call again, he showed up in person the following day.

"This guy comes in and is standing by the door sort of checking everyone out," Wheaton said. "Then I hear him ask Katie [Sullivan] if the manager is in. I knew it had to be that guy from the night before. This time, Vance really was gone, but I ran to the back and got Sid."

Though only a dishwasher, Sid Bricken, a 42-year-old recovering alcoholic and the oldest member of the general staff, was someone Wheaton believed could pass for a manager. Bricken listened to the customer complain about Wheaton for nearly 10 minutes while nodding sympathetically.

"I told the guy I'd put Matt on probation, and I also gave him a bunch of gift certificates and a two-liter bottle of whatever soda he wanted," Bricken said. "He wanted to keep complaining, but I told him I had to go do some manager stuff in the back."

"[Marchese] thought he could outsmart me," said Wheaton, opening an industrial-sized can of sliced black olives. "Well, think again, dude. Think again."

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