Customer's Attempt To Complain To Manager Thwarted By Employee

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Vol 37 Issue 05

Movie Deemed Acceptable For Mom And Dad

LOCK HAVEN, PA–Looking for a video to watch with his parents during a weekend visit, 28-year-old Steve Berg rented Small Time Crooks Sunday. "This seems good–no sex or violence," said Berg, studying the back of the box. "I could get Analyze This, but there's an outside chance it has some bad language." While home last Thanksgiving, Berg squirmed through Double Jeopardy with his mother, unaware that it contained brief nudity.

Star Wars Gamer Magazine Boldly Claims To Be The Leading Magazine For Star Wars Gamers

NICASIO, CA–The debut issue of Star Wars Gamer, which hit newsstands Monday, audaciously boasts that the magazine is "the world's leading publication for Star Wars gaming fans." "Whether you're looking to take your character on an adventure on Yavin IV, soup up your B-wing fighter, or paint an army of Stormtrooper miniatures, Star Wars Gamer is the only Star Wars gaming source you'll ever need," the issue brashly proclaims. Said Chad Burnley, an Athens, GA, Star Wars gamer: "They are certainly going out on a limb to make this claim. If a second Star Wars gaming magazine were ever to be published, they'd have to work really hard to maintain their number-one status."

Jerry Lewis Undergoes Emergency Gefloigel Surgery

LOS ANGELES–Less than an hour after doctors discovered that the gland had become all screwy with the infections, legendary comedian Jerry Lewis underwent emergency surgery to remove his gefloigel Monday. "We had to go in through Mr. Lewis' schlaphlecky system, bypassing the oy-hayvel," said Dr. Jacob Weisz, Nice Mister Chief of Surgery at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. "But in the end, we were able to get him all being better and healthy, you know." Doctors have prescribed Lewis several weeks of bedrest, with the sleeping and the flowers and the nice music and hrrrrrn.

The Cruise-Kidman Divorce

After 10 years of marriage, Hollywood power couple Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman announced their divorce on Feb. 5. What were the reasons for the split on each side?

Fashion Victim

A few days ago, if you'd asked me what "nepotism" meant, I would have guessed it was some sort of eye disorder. But boy, oh, boy, Jeanketeers, since then I've learned what the word really means! (The hard way!)

My Collection Of Cassingles Is Second To None

In the realm of the true musical aesthete, there are some who rise above the madding crowd. At the risk of seeming immodest, I must confess that I am a member of this elite upper strata. I have put my love of music before all else in my life, and I feel supremely confident in asserting that my collection of cassingles is second to none.

Clinton And The Fugitive Financier

Congress is investigating Bill Clinton's pardon of Marc Rich, a major Democratic Party contributor who since 1983 has been living in Switzerland to avoid trial for racketeering, tax evasion, and trading with Iran. What do you think?
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Customer's Attempt To Complain To Manager Thwarted By Employee

ELGIN, IL–A customer's repeated attempts to complain to the store manager about Mama Z's Pizza employee Matt Wheaton were successfully thwarted by Wheaton, restaurant sources confirmed Monday.

"At about 10 p.m., this guy calls up bitching about how he got sausage on the pizza we delivered, going all apeshit because he's, like, a vegetarian or something," the 20-year-old Wheaton told reporters while mopping behind the counter. "So I was like, 'Tough break, man'–you know, trying to sympathize with him. But that just totally pissed him off for some reason."

Wheaton said he attempted to determine whether the customer, Gary Marchese of 344 Gloria Street, could "deal" with the pizza as is or if he wanted to go through the trouble of having another one delivered.

"He got all mad about that, as if I was insulting him by saying he should just pick the sausage balls off," Wheaton said. "He told me that even if he picked them off, the meat juice was still all over the pizza. Finally, I was like, 'Okay. What the fuck. I'll send the driver out with another one right away, sir.'"

An hour and a half later, Wheaton answered the phone to find Marchese, 54, inquiring as to the whereabouts of his replacement pizza. He informed Marchese that "someone" must have forgotten to put in the order.

"So [Marchese] says, 'Well, Matt, you are the person I spoke with, aren't you?'" Wheaton said. "Right then and there, I knew this guy was gonna be trouble, remembering my name like that. Sure enough, he cuts loose with, 'Could I please speak to the manager? Perhaps he can help me get my money back.'"

Wheaton said he wasn't fooled by the customer's request. "That guy didn't just want his money back," he said. "He wanted to rat on my ass."

Though manager Vance Endries was in the back of the store facing dollar bills, Wheaton told the irate customer that he had stepped out for a few minutes "to go to the bank or something."

"Normally, I wouldn't care if somebody bitches me out to the boss," Wheaton said, "but after skipping work twice last week, I was an ass hair from getting canned."

Vowing to call back later, Marchese asked for Wheaton's last name. Wheaton told him it was Jones. As an added protective measure, for the remainder of his shift, Wheaton answered the phone with an accent somewhere between French and Jamaican. Though Marchese did not call again, he showed up in person the following day.

"This guy comes in and is standing by the door sort of checking everyone out," Wheaton said. "Then I hear him ask Katie [Sullivan] if the manager is in. I knew it had to be that guy from the night before. This time, Vance really was gone, but I ran to the back and got Sid."

Though only a dishwasher, Sid Bricken, a 42-year-old recovering alcoholic and the oldest member of the general staff, was someone Wheaton believed could pass for a manager. Bricken listened to the customer complain about Wheaton for nearly 10 minutes while nodding sympathetically.

"I told the guy I'd put Matt on probation, and I also gave him a bunch of gift certificates and a two-liter bottle of whatever soda he wanted," Bricken said. "He wanted to keep complaining, but I told him I had to go do some manager stuff in the back."

"[Marchese] thought he could outsmart me," said Wheaton, opening an industrial-sized can of sliced black olives. "Well, think again, dude. Think again."

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