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Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.

Health Scare Prompts Man To Start Overeating Healthier

ROUND ROCK, TX—Having recently learned from his doctor that he suffered from high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels that put him at serious risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, 43-year-old Donald Fisher told reporters Thursday the unanticipated health scare had prompted him to start overeating healthier.
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Cute 8-Year-Old Starting To Realize How Much Better She Is Than Ugly Girls

Neumark says it is only now dawning on her that her life has greater value than that of less attractive girls.
Neumark says it is only now dawning on her that her life has greater value than that of less attractive girls.

WINNEMUCCA, NV—Eight-year-old Ella Neumark said Saturday that in recent weeks she has become increasingly aware of how her adorable physical characteristics make her superior to unattractive girls.

Ella told reporters she has only lately begun to appreciate how her wide, expressive eyes, shiny blond hair, and flawlessly straight teeth cause her to be a far more worthy human being than her less appealing peers.

"I never really noticed it before, but my prettiness makes me better than every girl who isn't as pretty as me," Ella said. "The face I have means I deserve more attention than anyone whose face isn't as good."

"Mrs. Hothan calls on me all the time in class because my eyes, nose, and mouth are a certain way, and that's why she also gives me more time to answer questions," Ella continued. "She likes to look at me, so she's nice to me. Other girls don't get treated as nice because they aren't nearly as good to look at. That's so amazing."

Ella's growing recognition that her cuteness endows her with intrinsically greater value than girls who are overweight or possess thick eyebrows has reportedly caused her to see her friendships differently. The third-grader said she has begun to fully understand that she can in fact exploit her appearance to obtain benefits she believes she is entitled to.

"Girls who aren't as cute as I am will want to be friends with me, because if I like them, they'll feel less ugly," said Ella, adding that, conversely, the opinion of a girl covered in gross freckles wouldn't matter in the slightest. "I bet I can make them do my homework or carry my books or anything I want. If they don't, I can stop being their friend, and they'll be really sad and have to be friends with girls who look as ugly as they do."

"Isn't that cool?" Ella added.

In addition, Ella told reporters she has been equally delighted to discover her beauty has earned her significant advantages at home. Despite the fact that she bears a definite resemblance to her sister Melissa, Ella said her own more exceptional physical features nevertheless seem to have garnered her preferential treatment from her parents.

"If I want to go out for pizza or a movie, all I have to do is ask," Ella said. "I used to wonder why, and now I understand: I'm supposed to be happier than my sister. I'm really cute, and I get to have whatever I want; my sister has a really big nose, so she doesn't. I bet Mom and Dad love me more, too. Who could blame them?"

Ella said she was hopeful her appearance would continue to elevate her far above other girls and was eagerly anticipating being rewarded for her looks for years to come.

"I can't wait to see how being adorable helps me next," Ella said. "I'm excited to find out how far out of their way people will go to make me smile and make my problems disappear. My life's going to be great!"

"I'm a lucky girl," she added.

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