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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Cute Kid Given Foul Ball Actually A Little Shit

LOS ANGELES—Though 7-year-old Aaron Edwards is in fact a miserable little shit who constantly picks on his younger sister and talks back to his parents, Dodgers third-base coach Rich Donnelly gave him a foul ball Tuesday night after being conned by the cuteness of the snot's oversized baseball mitt and loose-fitting, ear-enveloping Dodgers cap. "Had I known that Aaron doesn't share his toys and has a history of teasing the dog, I never would have given him the ball," Donnelly said in a postgame press conference, adding that perhaps he should consider giving people foul balls based on their good manners instead of their appearance. "But when you see a kid looking that adorable, especially one with chocolate ice cream stains on his face, there's no way you think that he spent the last inning throwing a temper tantrum about how the sun was too bright and he wanted to go home even though his father paid good money for tickets." When asked for comment, Edwards hid behind his father's legs, although sources confirmed the little shit wasn't nearly as shy last Saturday when he repeatedly kicked Jessica Ross, 7, in her shins.

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