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Cute Kid Given Foul Ball Actually A Little Shit

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Cute Kid Given Foul Ball Actually A Little Shit

LOS ANGELES—Though 7-year-old Aaron Edwards is in fact a miserable little shit who constantly picks on his younger sister and talks back to his parents, Dodgers third-base coach Rich Donnelly gave him a foul ball Tuesday night after being conned by the cuteness of the snot's oversized baseball mitt and loose-fitting, ear-enveloping Dodgers cap. "Had I known that Aaron doesn't share his toys and has a history of teasing the dog, I never would have given him the ball," Donnelly said in a postgame press conference, adding that perhaps he should consider giving people foul balls based on their good manners instead of their appearance. "But when you see a kid looking that adorable, especially one with chocolate ice cream stains on his face, there's no way you think that he spent the last inning throwing a temper tantrum about how the sun was too bright and he wanted to go home even though his father paid good money for tickets." When asked for comment, Edwards hid behind his father's legs, although sources confirmed the little shit wasn't nearly as shy last Saturday when he repeatedly kicked Jessica Ross, 7, in her shins.

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