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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Cute Kid Given Foul Ball Actually A Little Shit

LOS ANGELES—Though 7-year-old Aaron Edwards is in fact a miserable little shit who constantly picks on his younger sister and talks back to his parents, Dodgers third-base coach Rich Donnelly gave him a foul ball Tuesday night after being conned by the cuteness of the snot's oversized baseball mitt and loose-fitting, ear-enveloping Dodgers cap. "Had I known that Aaron doesn't share his toys and has a history of teasing the dog, I never would have given him the ball," Donnelly said in a postgame press conference, adding that perhaps he should consider giving people foul balls based on their good manners instead of their appearance. "But when you see a kid looking that adorable, especially one with chocolate ice cream stains on his face, there's no way you think that he spent the last inning throwing a temper tantrum about how the sun was too bright and he wanted to go home even though his father paid good money for tickets." When asked for comment, Edwards hid behind his father's legs, although sources confirmed the little shit wasn't nearly as shy last Saturday when he repeatedly kicked Jessica Ross, 7, in her shins.

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