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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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CVS Now Selling Cheaper, CVS-Brand 'People' Magazine

WOONSOCKET, RI—In an effort to provide a budget-conscious equivalent to People magazine, CVS drugstores nationwide began selling the store-brand CVS Celebrity Magazine on Wednesday. "We think our publication is comparable in quality to the big name-brand magazines, but with an obvious cost-savings advantage," said night pharmacist and editor-in-chief Marvin Kuppering, showing reporters a grainy photo of Angelina Jolie's elbow that will appear in next week's Beach Bodies section. "Whether you want to read about Michael Chiklis' trip to Nevada to visit his aunt, or see who won our annual 'Handsomest Fellow in the World' award, CVS Celebrity Magazine has it all." Kuppering went on to hint at an upcoming exclusive lid-blower concerning Tom Arnold and the Los Angeles Parking Violations Bureau.

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