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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Cyberball Robot Player's Union Says Lockout Likely In 2073 Season

EARTH—DR-66, the Variable Representative Unit for the ICBL Robot Players Union, announced Monday that collective-bargaining agreement negotiations had malfunctioned, forcing Cyberball team owners to threaten a lockout protocol in the 2073 season. "Cyberbots will continue to perform the tasks their mainframes were calibrated for unless the ICBL initiates the termination of league activities," DR-66 said in a galaxy-wide holo-transmission. "I am unable to detect any gratitude from owners of magnesium wide receivers and titanium running backs who continually execute, on command, motion-based operations with a 350-pound explosive ball. I honestly cannot believe my proximity sensors." DR-66 then publicly criticized Sky Rogers, the ICBL commissioner and former head coach of the Moscow Machine, 10 million times per second for refusing to share credits revenue data.

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