adBlockCheck

Cyclist Friend Explains Necessity Of $35 Socks

Top Headlines

Local

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visiting Friend At Penn State

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Noting that the large public university had suddenly emerged as the high school student’s top choice for the fall, sources confirmed Wednesday that a single weekend spent with a friend who attends Penn State completely superseded all of graduating senior Tyler Pince’s college research over the past five months.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

OMAHA, NE—Admitting he wasn’t really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician.

You To Still Die One Day

Did You Forget About That For A Minute?

WASHINGTON—Saying that despite the possibility you may have briefly been able to distract yourself from the incontrovertible fact by browsing the internet, hanging out with friends, reading, working out, or via some other diversion, sources confirmed Friday that you are still going to die one day and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

Cyclist Friend Explains Necessity Of $35 Socks

Coseglia, above, said the nearly $40 socks are one of the best bike-related purchases he has made yet.
Coseglia, above, said the nearly $40 socks are one of the best bike-related purchases he has made yet.

MONESSEN, PA—Recreational cyclist Ethan Coseglia, 38, thoroughly explained the benefits of wearing $35 bike-riding socks to his friend Kevin Washburn Friday, saying that his specially designed socks are essential in optimizing his overall cycling performance.

"They're great," Coseglia said to Washburn, who has never purchased a pair of socks for more than $8. "They're so comfortable, and they give me really good support. They also have the ToeTip Protector technology, which I like a lot. Seriously, if you ever get into biking, I would definitely go with these."

"Really good breathability, too," Coseglia continued to his friend who only purchases athletic socks in packs of three or more.

Throughout the 10-minute conversation, Coseglia, who took up biking several months ago and rides an average of 6.5 miles two times per week, repeatedly drew comparisons between his special socks and regular socks, telling a politely nodding Washburn that the differences between the two are "night and day."

According to Coseglia, one key area in which the socks are superior is the way they distribute pressure to both parts of the foot, which he said is very important for his bike riding.

Coseglia also mentioned his socks' anatomically molded footbed, their airflow ankle pads, the way they promote lateral ventilation under the sole of the foot, and moisture, specifically his socks' ability to defend against it.

Reports later indicated this was the first time Washburn had ever engaged in any sort of in-depth discussion about socks with anyone.

"They're lighter, that's for sure" Coseglia told Washburn, who, assuming he heard Coseglia correctly, learned that his friend knows the exact weight difference between normal white cotton socks and his special bike socks. "And they definitely keep you more stabilized. I noticed that right off the bat."

"I'm pretty sure these ones don't have the nanofibers, though," said Coseglia, unaware that in that instant, Washburn was confused as to whether or not the two were still talking about socks. "But you really don't need those. They're like 65 bucks. That's getting a little crazy."

Coseglia added that on Sunday he traveled 25 miles to go to a special bicycle equipment store to purchase several more pairs of socks, a statement leading his friend to silently calculate that in the past week Coseglia has spent more than $100 on socks.

Saying that it's better if all your cycling equipment is the same brand, Coseglia told Washburn that his biking shorts, gloves, jersey, helmet, socks, and shoes are all manufactured by Sugoi, and that his $630 outfit is extremely durable and "really good for good aerodynamics."

"It's important to have the right gear," Coseglia said to Washburn, who doesn't know the brand name of any of the socks in his dresser drawer, and mentally separates them into two categories: dress socks and regular socks. "I see people out there who don't know what they're doing, and I'm like, 'You can't just get on a bike and start riding it.' That's why I got that [$235] bike helmet the other day with the extra protective polymer."

Continued Coseglia, "I'm pretty sure it's the one Lance Armstrong wears."

According to sources, the two friends then stopped talking, allowing enough of a break in the conversation to give this reporter a chance to finally ask the question that's been on everybody's mind this entire time: whether or not all this sexual tension between the three of us is actually going to lead someplace.

Oh, come on, Ethan, don't play dumb. And Kevin, you have been stealing glances at me this entire time. You don't think I noticed the way you smiled at me when Ethan said, "I'm pretty sure these [socks] don't have the nanofibers"? So, gentlemen, we can either sit here and keep talking about bike equipment, or we can just admit that there is something powerful going on between us. Am I being too forward? I apologize. Just say the word, and I'll leave right now and go back to the newsroom and file this socks story. But something tells me you don't want me to go. Something tells me that slight hesitation in your eyes means maybe you want to go upstairs to the hotel suite, open a nice bottle of wine, and just see where this thing goes.

What, you thought I booked this interview in a hotel lobby by accident?

Come on, it's obvious you guys have been having just as much fun with this as I have. I mean, look at us. We're three gay guys sitting around talking about bike socks, trying to pretend like we wouldn't rather be ripping each other's clothes off right now. There's so much sexual energy here it's ridiculous. Kevin, I've seen you stealing glances at me, wondering to yourself whether or not I'm wearing underwear right now. I'm not. And Ethan, I've got to tell you, the whole time you were talking about your Sugoi bike equipment and all that money you were spending on socks, I was so hard. I'm still extremely hard.

Look, all I have to do is call my editor and tell him I need an extension and we can go upstairs and have an unforgettable time. Maybe I could massage your dicks in the elevator on the way up to the room while you two kiss each other. Have you two ever thought about that? What it would be like to kiss each other while a third person watches? Don't blush. You have no idea how much pleasure it would give me to see you two give each other pleasure. And then maybe after we undress we could have some fun in the shower, and then on the bed, and then while I'm on my knees on the floor grabbing hold of the nightstand while both of you pump away and take turns on me. Or if you'd rather start off slow, that's fine. I like slow. I like fast, too. Whatever makes you comfortable.

And when we're done, we could check out of here and no one would be the wiser.

So why don't we stop talking and let nature take its course, eh? I'll tell you what, I'm going to leave a key to the room on this table and go upstairs. Room 819. What do you boys think? Want to fuck the brains out of a reporter from America's Finest News Source?

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close