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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Dad Actually Yelled At That Guy

LORAIN, OH—Multiple family members recently confirmed that while waiting in line to buy tickets at a movie theater last night, local dad Jim Massey actually yelled at some guy. “He just turned around, in public, and totally yelled at a guy,” said Peter Massey, 14, describing how his father shouted at a man in his mid-20s for continuously swearing loudly while talking with some friends behind the family of five. “He looked right at the guy and snapped, ‘Hey, watch your language.’ And it was loud, too. A bunch of people heard it. I looked at my brother and we were both like, ‘Whoa.’” According to witnesses, eldest daughter Emily Massey refused to speak to her father throughout the remainder of the evening as a punishment for embarrassing her like that.

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