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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Dad Actually Yelled At That Guy

LORAIN, OH—Multiple family members recently confirmed that while waiting in line to buy tickets at a movie theater last night, local dad Jim Massey actually yelled at some guy. “He just turned around, in public, and totally yelled at a guy,” said Peter Massey, 14, describing how his father shouted at a man in his mid-20s for continuously swearing loudly while talking with some friends behind the family of five. “He looked right at the guy and snapped, ‘Hey, watch your language.’ And it was loud, too. A bunch of people heard it. I looked at my brother and we were both like, ‘Whoa.’” According to witnesses, eldest daughter Emily Massey refused to speak to her father throughout the remainder of the evening as a punishment for embarrassing her like that.

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