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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Dad Actually Yelled At That Guy

LORAIN, OH—Multiple family members recently confirmed that while waiting in line to buy tickets at a movie theater last night, local dad Jim Massey actually yelled at some guy. “He just turned around, in public, and totally yelled at a guy,” said Peter Massey, 14, describing how his father shouted at a man in his mid-20s for continuously swearing loudly while talking with some friends behind the family of five. “He looked right at the guy and snapped, ‘Hey, watch your language.’ And it was loud, too. A bunch of people heard it. I looked at my brother and we were both like, ‘Whoa.’” According to witnesses, eldest daughter Emily Massey refused to speak to her father throughout the remainder of the evening as a punishment for embarrassing her like that.

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