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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Dad Can’t Believe Lawn Didn’t Get Him Anything For Father’s Day

WINCHESTER, VA—Telling reporters that he can’t help but feel a little hurt, 52-year-old local father Trevor Jackson expressed his surprise and disappointment Sunday that his lawn didn’t bother to get him anything for Father’s Day this year. “It’s not like I expect a big production on Father’s Day or anything, but I guess I thought my lawn would get me some sort of little present—a card, at the very least,” said Jackson, adding that as the day went on, he slowly realized he wouldn’t be receiving any kind of gift at all from the grass in his front yard. “I care for it, I buy it anything it needs, I spend every weekend with it, and on the one day that’s supposed to be about me, I don’t even get so much as a ‘Happy Father’s Day’ greeting. I mean, would it kill my lawn to show me just a little appreciation once a year?” Despite his initial frustration, Jackson later confirmed that taking care of his lawn is its own reward, and he was happy to simply have a quiet Sunday afternoon together with the patch of fertilized grass.

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