adBlockCheck

After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Dad Clarifies This Not A Food Stop

DENTON, TX—Stressing that they were there solely to purchase gasoline and use the bathroom if necessary, area dad Mike Whitcomb clarified while pulling into a travel plaza Thursday that this was not a food stop. “We’re here to get gas and that’s it,” Whitcomb said emphatically, adding that his three children were welcome to get out and stretch their legs, but they had better be back in their seats and buckled up by the time he finished filling the tank because he wasn’t waiting around. “I want to be back on the road in five minutes. If you’re hungry, you can have one of the apples your mom brought.” Sources later confirmed area mother Debra Whitcomb had okayed one bag of Chex Mix for everyone to share.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close